@Healandlove you're very welcome, and thank you for sharing your story hun. Within it I can see just how much turmoil you've been through, and have a renewed admiration for the work you've done to navigate it all. I can really hear how much your pain was made into an object of ridicule. Being made fun of for crying is so very detrimental, especially to a young child still developing.
To desire love and to be loved does not in any way make you a doormat. I think it speaks to your integrity and your kind heart more than anything - and we all want to be accepted as we are, and have our family be a source of strength, not pain.
Buuuuut if you're concerned about being a doormat, i.e. sacrificing your own sense of comfort and safety in order to 'be good enough' to receive respectful treatment, well from this recovering people-pleaser I say that's why we work on developing strong but flexible boundaries. I never knew how to implement boundaries or what a boundary even was until I heard it explained like this:
A boundary is not an attempt to control another person's behaviour, it is about what we are willing to tolerate. Implementing a boundary is communicating this need to another and asking them to respect it; if their behaviour continues, we remove ourselves from the situation.
Maybe in your letter you could try to express a boundary with your father, like 'I would like it if you could be more respectful of my emotions and not shut down or ridicule me for them. If you cannot respect this boundary, I will no longer feel comfortable sharing my emotions with you.' Food for thought anyway.
A very powerful reason to stay alive. You are driven by love and compassion, and that is a wonderful thing. I hope you can find more reasons as you go along too - even the little ones count, like enjoying a sunset or giggling at a silly joke.
Sending some angel hugs, all wrapped up in soft wings 💜🫂
