Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

I understand needing to take a break. Very good self care and glad you have recognised this is what you need. I too need to take a break now. It's been good conversing with you. Thank you for being there for me in what is some of my darkest times. I really appreciate you and being there. 

As for my ego and her ego. Vastly vastly different. That's all I will say. 

Take care @Corny 

PF

[Corny]

She's a loser @Powderfinger , and an ugly, abusive person that no one likes.

You are free from the silly cow now. Life is too short.

You would be better suited to someone with a high EQ and IQ like yourself, if you ever get the strength to take risks of the heart again; if not there as so many beautiful breeds of puppies to choose from that will love you back 10 fold. Best of luck. Corny

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

Yes, she is a loser that nobody likes, this is true. I don't care for her one iota. My heart towards her is colder than the Antarctic. There is no warmth nor good feeling there. Her quality of the rest of her life is going to always be full of suffering and her own hell she creates. There is below zero chance of her ever changing, which I don't care about. 

Yes, I'm very happy about the restraining order. She thinks she is a model citizen and upstanding in the community. Um, your delusional. You are a bus driver that does nothing in the community. Self inflated ego and completely delusional. She believes it too. If she breaks the order, I will be down at the police station quicker than you can say Geronimo so they can go get her and put her in lock up. I won't think twice. 

About my heart and love. Nope, don't even want to go there. I don't know if I will ever go there again. A dog will do me just fine. They sh..t all over people really. A high EQ and hlgh IQ would be good. 

PF

[Corny]

I can understand that @Powderfinger , I want to be alone for the rest of my life in terms of romantic/intimate partnerships.....I am too damaged.

So stoked the RO is in place. 

She isn't capable of change, it is about her brain structure, but also, and mainly, who she is as a person inside. Take it from a broken person, abusive people with this disorder get worse with age, not better.

All the best on your journey. I hope there is at the very least one gorgeous little pup in your future. Corny

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

I'm sorry. Finding it hard to respond. The order was served on her today. I broke down again today. Just not able to cope with anything much at all. I'm pretty messed up. I know I am. 

[Former-Member]

@Powderfinger it's so much to be going through, it sounds like that would be overwhelming for anyone  How are you travelling today?

[Powderfinger]

@Former-Member 

I truly never know how to answer that question anymore. It's a loaded question for me really. I'm fighting suicide and my moods are all over the place. Yes, I have some support, limited but support. Mainly know that I can no longer survive further abuse. 36 years of abuse. Nobody seems to comprehend I can't take anymore. I'm shutting down. 

[Former-Member]

@Powderfinger You're right, that can be a very loaded question. I really appreciate your open response 

I actually see it as an incredible strength of yours that you know you cannot and will not take any further abuse. It can be incredibly hard to pull away from cycles or generations of abuse when such behaviour is just 'normal'- some people have never reached the clarity and resolution you have. 

I can really relate to how you might be feeling- I also reached a point in my life where I drew a line at any further abuse or disrespect, and it was a big turning point. My relationships and quality of life in the years since have been so much more rewarding. I am content and happy with my close relationships/friendships, and have been loved and supported so much- and I think that something like that can be ahead for you too, given you've come to a point of realising you cannot take further abuse - that you deserve and need better. I really think that much better times can be ahead for you, and that you've well and truly started the trajectory there 💐

I'll also send you an email to check in with you about your wellbeing 

[Powderfinger]

@Former-Member 

I love what you have written. I want to come back to this conversation. I will after I have taken a few me days. Now that the restraining order has been served, I truly need some me time. Anything that is not urgent, I'm leaving and will catch up on it when I am able. Thank you for sharing. 

[Powderfinger]

@Former-Member 

Hi. 

I cannot and will not take anymore abuse. There is more emphasis on CANNOT. 34 years of it, I can do no more. There is no next time. I truly have no resilience left and cannot stand it when people say you are so resilient. It's like a complete dismissal of the hell I've been through and the prices I paid for abuse. Every type of abuse there is and ones people have never heard of, I've been through. Every single one of them. 

I'm not sure about how some people haven't reached the clarity and resolution I have. It exists I know. I can't focus on that right now. A part of me had truly changed of being "the helper" in people's lives. The fixer, rescuer and saver. Only because that's the roles I was given from a very young age. I can't see any if my childhood in a positive light. There was nothing good about it and I didn't really get to have my childhood. It's horrific for me to look at really. 

It's good you have a better life now with more rewarding relationships. I have no idea what that life is like cause I've never had it. I'm not fond of people. My view is a bit skewed I think. I don't think there are nice people. I feel unsafe and untrusting of the world. Too scared to trust people. I don't always know if they are just pretending they are nice, or if they are nice. I find it very very very hard to form new relationships of any kind. I've been through horrendous abuse. I don't feel there would be anyone in the world who would be patient, kind and understand with me and that there wouldn't be some type of agenda to hurt me. 

My desire to need better and deserve better is to not have anyone. I just find it very hard to believe any good and nice people could even be in my life. I've never had it. 

PF