Lived Experience Forum

[TideisTurning]

Hi Everyone, 

Something I have been reflecting on in relation to this topic is how, for myself, experiences of invalidation, particularly recurrent ones, often act as a motivator or fuel to take a stand and  try to take action to prevent similar things happening again, either to myself, and/or others. I'm really curious to hear if this sort of experience resonates for anyone?  if so, what do you channel your fuel into, or in other words, how might you seek to take action after an experience of invalidation?

@Spirit_Healer @tonys @Patches59 @PinkFlamingo @Xibon @8ppleTree @Shaz51 @Me73 @creative_writer @Oaktree @7cough9 @Miss-wish @Appleblossom @Mara_S @jh8 @Didier @1978 @MayaBird07 @cherryblossom8 

[Mara_S]

I often find it easier to take a stand for others especially my family in situations like this.


One thing I have tried which many not be the best advice is to try to get the other person to understand by asking how they would feel If this had happened to someone close to them? What would their reaction be?

I guess this helps me too in a sense. Possibly trying to validate how I feel and what I need to do. We are often quick to support others and don't show ourselves the same compassion.

[TideisTurning]

I hear you @Mara_S, absolutely. I feel like that, and to find it easier to validate and take a stand on behalf of others, particularly those we love or are close to, then to validate and take a stand for ourselves.  I really like your ideas and approach though, in terms of inviting empathy from the other person. 

Hi there @8ppleTree @Captain24 @Shaz51 @creative_writer @Appleblossom @tonys @Patches59 😊👋

[tonys]

Hello @TideisTurning   I haven't offered up much lately.  Sorry about that. I do like to read the others

folks Idea's.  My wiring being what it is I am reticent to offer up to much.

I am of the view that their are time when Perhaps I need to be invalidated.  Times when I think what is valid to me is off sound nature. but in fact is mal aligned with ,  normal,   acceptable,  mainstream. 

A much needed lance to invalidate us of our proud Arabian imaginary stallions,  now and then may break the endless circle of a dog,  self consumed with it own,  'tale',  A fixation on the need for self righteous

validation based in delusion.   I once had a mediation with a church figure that abused me as a child.

Told him what I thought of him.  Within the walls of his universe he saw me as a person that invalidated

him,  his important role in the church,  and his church.   His reality felt very real to him.  

I know I will never see the collective of all peoples reality.  I can try to make sure that mine does not impede on theirs,  but with my handicaps,  I can't even be close to sure.   

I damn well know, I am not the only one staggering side to side on the tight rope walk.

Reality . . . self delusion . . . reality . . . self delusion. .  .  .  .ego..    

I think what helps is to shoot the,   ego  stallion,    not take ourselves seriously,    and  learn to take 

the falls in the play ground,  now and then.                           Best intentions                              tonys. 

Invalidate me now and then . . .  please.   For me ...  its just one more kind of feedback  and 

I really don't ever get any  that these days.   People, are too ,  'polite'  or don't care enough. 

@Oaktree    @Appleblossom   Not sure   anyone else will get this  risky post. 

[Oaktree]

@tonys 

So sorry you went through that as a child. I hope that you are ok now. I know that you don’t really look behind you too much and maybe that’s a good thing. Hugs to you x

[tonys]

Thankyou  @Oaktree    I'm not good at explaining myself at times..   I'm actually fine with the whole thing.    

I think what I was trying to say is,   the milestone people in my life have been those few that have been 

able to explain to me that,  some of my feelings of invalidation . . .  were not,      valid. 

Weather valid or not,   the constant search for,  justice,  an apology,  a reconning,  guilt or punishment

for the offenders,  a constant need to be heard,  validated,  crying for attention,    entitlement .  .  .  .

and   on,   and on,   and    on . .   Just was not helping me get to were I knew,  I  needed to be. 

I saw myself and others,  feeding on it,   fattening on it.     What helped me the most was the links to building resilience.  Even now,  people on Sane occasionally send them to me.

The world is simply not a fair place and its only going to become more unfair, as more people ,  compete for less resources.   That church thug and all the brutality of the street,  I now recognize are the very things that give me an advantage over those that did not have the same schooling. 

Evolution is never kind, and I feel we are going to have to adapt to hostile change at an ever increasing pace.

And yes. . .   I do know we are all different and have the greatest respect for other people's approach .

If you are smiling,  feel like a success, don't whinge,   and sleep nights.   I say to anyone,  follow the same ol road you are on.           Very best intentions  @Oaktree ..      I tagged you mate,  but you already know all this and more ,  You practice resilience,  and I admire you for it....   Thanks for the chat  Oaktree. 

tns

[TideisTurning]

@tonys- that is a really interesting perspective, and very different from my own.  My understanding is and has been that your feelings are your feelings, full stop.  There is no right or wrong feelings necessarily- they just are. To be told you're incorrect with feelings or experiences sounds well… Invalidating.

The distinction I can see though with what you're talking about is possibly having your thinking challenged in a psychological/therapeutic kind of sense. An invitation for you to think more about something, maybe after being offered a different perspective or new information to inform your understanding further. I agree that this can sometimes be helpful for growth, when navigated with care.

[tonys]

That is the point I did a poor job of trying to make @TideisTurning ..  Right or wrong,  we can all feel invalidated.  Hitler,  Stalin, Putin ,   the church ,  The victims.  I can only speak from my own experience,

and perhaps those in my circle,  shrink included.  Since I cared less about being validated,  I lived and laughed a lot more.    Example.   I used to think I was the  "greeny"   My way and my protest was right.

However,  My very existence  exemplifies the hypocrisy in my thinking. 

What else are we all deluding ourselves about.   We still think we are some special unique species. 

Am I special,  really, I can absolutely tell you,  I'm not,  and I stopped caring long ago.  If we are honest,  long after humans are gone,  history will not remember us well,   

My validation.  Its a discipline.  I count most on the "deluded"  validation I afford myself,  and for me it mostly works.  Tell my self all is  well and a smile grows to a laugh,  grows to living life. . .     or I could spend my time with my 'anger and anxiety'   pop gun stalking the net for invalidation people  to protest and vent on. . . I'd rather spend my time laughing at myself.

Now . . .  Disclaimer . .  I'm level 2 autistic and live happily in many imaginary worlds,  You all do what best works for you,  of course.

I only say that if after many years,  the road you travelled is not paved with peace and floral colour,

Perhaps,   validation lane,   was not the  bypass the real, root cause of the problem.

Thankyou for your thoughts  @TideisTurning   and I do strongly urge those that read both,  to follow your views rather than mine..

I just hate showing up to a picnic with yet another plate of sandwiches,  so sweat n sour it is...

Its a beautiful,  hope your all enjoying it..                                                                     tonys..

@Oaktree   @Appleblossom