Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

Sorry suicide has been a theme of mine. What with my sister and now my SI its on my mind alot.

For the past couple days I have found it increasingly difficult to get my pain under control, even with the high dose, high stregth pain killers and my pain patch it just seems like its resisting what Im doing. Ive got until the 19th of this month until I see my pain management specialist and hopefully he has some answers but it seems so far away. I know its only another 4 days but thats like an eternity at this point. The doctors prescribing me the pain meds keep warning me of the dangers, but I am ending up on the max dose each day and most the time Im still in pain but so out of it that it doesnt matter. Thats just a horrible way to live

I have a plan and I have the means but I dont do anything because of my sister. I dont want her to grow old alone or cause her to follow in my footsteps. Its one of the reasons I was so hurt that she tried so hard to end it because that left me to grow old on my own, which sounds selfish but we are all we have once our parents die.

I actually stopped here for a bit and drove into town, I really wish I hadnt, it was beyond painful. At one point I nearly stopped to call Dad to come get me but there was no one to drive the other car home. I was waiting on Dad to transfer the money so limited my pain killers, not drastically but man the pain. I got to the petrol station and out the car and could hardly walk. 

I stopped because for one, I wasnt sure Id post this. The other reason was I realise just how much thought I have put into this, like I wont go into detail but I know the meds to use, not just handfuls of whatever. Timing I havent sorted, but the intent isnt there. But it would probably be in the middle of the night when I wake up just cause I do, that way im not caught.

This isnt a threat, please dont take it that way. I have no intent, Im safe. I dont think anyone that has gone through what Ive gone through wouldnt have, at least thoughts. Its a sort of wishful thinking, almost soothing to think about a way out despite it being a really negative way.

If I have over stepped on guidelines Im happy to make needed changes

[ClockFace]

My Dad is finally all about my sister and protecting her from herself. He is finally taking things seriously.

Here's where I could be an asshole, Ive told Dad about how I am feeling, what I am facing at the moment and I got nada, like I just told him it was cold, while standing out in the rain in the middle of the night. I dont know if I made it clear enough or if I just meant it as a passing comment. I would have thought I was clear enough as I also explained why I hadnt done anything. Maybe I too have to follow through for Dad to appreciate the severity of the situation. 

Then, Dad spends the day, litterally the whole day no breaks sorta thing, cleaning and knowing how much pain Im in doesnt expect me to help. He also yet again lent me more money to get me through to when I start receiving my Income Protection payments. 

So its not like he doesnt care, its that he cant show that he cares or provide emotional care when it comes to the whole mental health thing. I dont understand why, hes not the most, lets have a deep and meaningful, but simply saying are you ok, is there something I can do etc. 

I dont think Im ever going to experience it from him, Ive suffered over 10 and he hasnt ever spoken to me about my Bipolar, never spoken about the psychotic features. He knows essentially nothing about my Anxiety issues and less about my OCD.

He knows far more about my sisters issues, though she voices them at home more frequently, she is open about most her mental health issues but when it comes to plans to commit suicide she is very quiet. My sister and Dad would talk more, they are generally up later than I so talk once Ive gone to bed. 

He would say he proud of us both but I know he has more pride in my sister than me. As previously stated Im the family screw up. Im borrowing money from Dad yet again. Im not nearly as sick as I say, despite doctors saying it first. I sweat I could get medical reports on everything for them and I still wouldnt be that sick. 

Yet my sister, who is sick, she is sicker than she says. She pushes through, does so much more, she is everything I am not.

I hold no grudge against my sister for this, its primarily my Mum. Dad just agrees as he fears my Mum. My Mum is toxic, I dont say that lightly. Mum has spent years of their marriage dictating how things will go, demanding things by withholding things, promising intamcy which Dad really wants. Dad just wants Mum to love him. She manipulates my sister just as much. I was a quite and nervous kid, it was just fear for me. Yelling and commanding. Getting Dad on side. Threatening the belt, wood spoon, etc. She claims that she was never so bad, that we didnt get hit as much as we say but both my sister and I agree we were. 

Its funny how you start writting on here and you go off topic and so often touch on something that you had softa forgotten. I wonder how much an affect being scared of your Mum for the best part of your childhood. I didnt even chose my subjects or career to study for, that was Mum. For a big part of my life she has commanded and I have obeyed out of fear. I for some reason lost that fear, maybe when I moved out for 10 years, I made my own decisions and learnt that I could. When I moved home and I got dianosed and worked through that I stopped fearing Mum and now am not interested in her commands. Ive broken those chains. 

I shouldnt also say Dads afraid or Mum, its more complex than that. He is abused by her and for what ever reason takes it but accepts her terms to stop the abuse, to stop the fight and the barrage of texts. What Mum does to him is horrible, what she doest to my sister is horrible. She tries with me but I dont take it. I have a saying, which involves and shut the door. Ie say No and shut the door, dont stand and wait for an argument. I think that Im so sick, in so much pain, tormented mentally and on so many different medications that Mum yelling at me holds no sway over me. I pay for most everything I have etc, even my food so there is nothing she can take away and as she has learnt that I have no problem stopping her from hitting me anymore. She has taken a couple swings that I have stopped, the like she often does, rewrites history to make it that I took a swing at her and she stopped me, as if her frail body could grab my hands in full swing and take hold of me. Anyhow, she doesnt try and take a swing now, if she did I would grab hold of her wrist and stop her. I just dont care anymore about her threats and fear.

But she does still have a grasp on my Dad and sister, though weakening its there. Which means I get maniulation through one of them. She will get Dad on side and Dad will tell me to do it etc. Its something I hate. Its like she spreads like some poison 

[ClockFace]

I feel really out of sorts. I mean the SI is really strong, which I cant think it has been like this in the past. Ive dropped my routines for my sister but now even though Ive pulled back on that front its because Im in pain and Im still not doing my routines, Im sure I could do a modified routine but Im not. Im depressed but doing my best to show a happy face. We have been talking heavily about Mum and while Ill admit she is an issue its hard as I still love her and there are very mixed emotions. 

I just cant sorta settle, Im out of sorts and I feel very anxious about everything. 

[ClockFace]

So many would know im 43, I have sleep issues and I have problems with anxiety. What I dont talk about, pretty much outside the house is I sleep with a Scooby Doo Pillow Pet. They have multiple fabrics, ears to rub, a body that is flat or halved. Without it I dont fall asleep well. I hate going into hospital as I cant bring him, just embarassed. 

I have him down with me today, Im feeling a bit anxious and a bit....sookie. Not sure why, just woke up this way. I dont really want to do today, which is weird as Dad is going to Church and then to see my sister so I have the day to myself pretty much, which I normally love. I can certainly see myself crawling back into bed at some point just cause its cozy. I dont have like normal bed sheets and quilt cover I have a, I dont know what it is 1/2 way between normal and fluffy. I like the texture. If you know the outside fabric of an Oodie its similar to that. So I love the feeling of being cocooned in that fabric.

I am a little funny with textures, Mum could never get that I didnt like the texture of wool for instance, I dont know how many woolen jumpers my Mum has bought me that I  have never worn. I have jumpers, pants and shirts that have been bought for me that I simply can not wear and I kinda feel bad that people have spent money on them but at the same time I have been clear as to the fabric types I like. 

When I find a jumper or pants etc that I like, that I feel comfortable in I will buy multiple of the same. Even the pillow pet, I like Scooby (they dont make anymore) and I have a couple. I have a couple others, dont like them. It might not even be the fabric I like, though vital, it might be how long the sleeve or pants are, I dont like them being too short cause I like to hide my hands, same with pants they need to go to below the ankle bone. I dont tend to wear shoes either, with my back (and weight) shoes are hard so thongs are the go to. When it gets too cold ugg boots or slippers are the way of it but sneakers are very very rare, besides I dont like the feeling of them.

There is a lot of stuff I dont like the feeling of and simply wont use as a result. I had a keyboard, that did everything the one Im using now but I didnt like the feeling of it when using it, so I replaced it. My parents dont understand, hell I dont really understand. My sister is similar, she is very tactile as well as it turns out. But a bit more limited to toys etc, she uses toys as tactile treatment? for anxiety.

Another feeling I dont like is the one Im now having. I feel really wonky, like dizzy but just inside my head. I get it if I have forgotten my morning meds, which I didnt today. Sometimes I seem to just get it. Im ok if Im sitting down but move my head or walk etc. and its like I dunno, trying to walk while in one of those spinning things that are at fairs that astronauts use in training. I kinda just have to wait it out and hope it doesnt last too long

[ClockFace]

One job I had before my sister came home was to empty the car of trash. Its fair its my trash and its not up to Dad to clean up after me. To the best of my ability I have tried to manage my own affairs. There is some stuff I cant do like driving to certain places at certain times.

Anyhow I dosed myself up on pain meds and went out to clean the car. Its not straight forward, we seperate cans and bottles from rubbish as we return them for the refund. It wasnt a huge amount of trash but seriously the pain was incredible and I had to stop a number of times and sit for a bit. It took like an hour to do 1/2 a bag of rubbish and bring in my speakers

I got it done, but pain was pretty high, its slowly withdrawing. What interested me is that I had some random brief hallucinations. Like a pig, dog etc. Maybe pain is another trigger for my psychotic symptoms. As I say the pain is worse now than before the surgery and what I did empting the car really set it off so maybe extreme pain is a trigger. 

Fortunately I dont experience pain like that often so its a mute thought but interesting.

[ClockFace]

Mum has a list of things she wants from Buy Swap Sell. She has tried to get Dad to collect yesterday and he didnt. Dad had Church today and then went to see my sister. Between Church ending and him getting home she has made around 25 contacts (phone/text) demanding Dad go and get it, she even rang my sister 4 times to tell her to tell Dad to go get her shit. She tried early afternoon to get me to take her to a place to get shit, that was after I had emptied the car so there wasnt a chance of me going then.

This is the thing, it takes over everything, she makes sure it does. Nothing else matters, not even my sister coming home and how anxious she is about that. She doesnt try with me as hard as she knows I wont take it but boy does she go at Dad and sister

[tyme]

That's so hard to watch @ClockFace . 

I guess you can only tell them so many times that they shouldn't be 'used', but ultimately, it's their choice. Perhaps for you it's about turning a deaf ear to it all. Is that possible?

Things sound so challenging. There are competing priorities everywhere! Please look after yourself.

[ClockFace]

Depression was the first thing I was diagnosed with after I was injured at work, the lead up to my current issue with my spine. Initially it was treated just with medicatiion and as if it were nothing more than a common cold. I had been depressed prior to this, my schooling was not ideal, lets say. A lot of physical abuse and teasing, it would cause severe depression but there was never any treatment, there was never any real acknowledgement of what was happening at school, to this day its played down. I dont know if this was the starting point of my Bipolar 2 with Psychotic Features, taking into account the hearing from God, prophet in the making stuff.

I dont really count this as the first mental illness I was treated for. OCD has that high esteeme.

For me OCD centred around germs/cleanliness. I would get home from work, have my tea and then start cleaning, it was a 2 bedroom appartment and I would scrub that place head to toe every damn night. Like 7pm to 4am cleaning. everything was perfect and then I would get a few hours sleep and do it again, but if I didnt do it I would get sick. Ive always been sickly, someones sniffle is my cold kinda thing. I worked in a call centre and still do and that made it worse because there was so much shared equipment/spaces, hot desking they called it. I would go through mountains of hand gel

Numbers mattered everything had to be on even or multiples of 5, in the car it really mattered as if they werent then Id have an accident. At work it was bad reviews, not meeting KPI's etc. At home equipment would fail

An overall feeling was that if the numbers and cleanliness was this dread of not living up to the standards set by my mother, that if it werent clean or the number was not right she would rock up unannounced and there would be a situation.

Dread followed me constantly and eventually I sought help and found this psychologist kinda by accident who treated with Exposure Response Prevention which I did with her. It was insanly difficult. I cant remember how it started but eventually you would you would touch a bin in the office until you could handle the rubbish and you would sit with the feeling.

I remember the first time I raced home, Im sure within the speed limit, and I was butt naked before the front door was closed and in the shower and boy did I srubb.

It worked though, eventually I got to a point where cleaning isnt an issue (quite the opposite, thank you depression) and while I prefer numbers to be even or multiples of 5 I can be ok with them not being so. Thankfully now days volume controls are not numbered.

[ClockFace]

Many, many years ago I tried my hand at writing a book surrounding my experiences with Mental Illness and my hopeful recovery. Yes there was a time that I thought I would just get better from this .

I thought the title A Mind Not My Own was pretty spot on and to this day its how I feel alot of the time that I am no longer, if I every really was, in control of my own mind, it was in fact running its own show, one that wasnt intended to benefit me in any way.

With a combination of BP2 w/ Psychotic Features, OCD, Anxiety I didnt/dont much feel that my mind is my own, its been taken over by another. I think  this is where the Little Purple Monkey came into play. 

[ClockFace]

Just looking forward to the week ahead at this stage

Today - I have an appointment about an infection thats been ongoing for a long time

Tomorrow - I have an appointment with Country and Outback Health. Hoping to get some support for myself.

Wednesday - I have one appointment to go through my medications. Try and cut down where we can and make sure the list is up to date

After that Im seeing the Pain Specialist. Both looking forward to and terrified of this one.

Thursday - I have an Angiogram

Friday - Back to follow up on the infection stuff

This infection stuff, Ive had a high something arather count that indicates an infection for the  past few months. They had no idea what was causing it, I thought that maybe it was my boils. There was a badly infected boil so they are hoping that a new blood test will show a reduction in the something arather. Im hoping this will mean that they will do something about them and the acne, it woul be nice to have them resolved, the scars will likely remain but if I dont have a new one come up and cause me pain everytime I take a step or sit down that would be awesome