Lived Experience Forum

[its-me]

Long story short, after three years of working together, my psychologist told me she wanted to cease therapy with me then a week later said we can “trial” therapy again. In order for the therapy to work, according to her, I have to show her I am “willing to move forward.”

I have emailed her my short and long term goals (with no acknowledgment from her) based on a list of fifteen items she said I needed to work on, reflected deeply on this list, bought and started reading books and workbooks about BPD (my primary diagnosis) and DBT and have been attending a DBT group since the start of the year. I also have never missed a session with this psychologist and have been very invested in the therapy and the therapeutic relationship. I am also very attached to her. 

The “moving forward” comment was made in relation to my current living situation. I have had to move back home into an unhealthy environment due to circumstances beyond my control. My psychologist is of the opinion that I shouldn’t dwell on the retraumatising experiences that have happened at my new place and that I should just “move forward.” However, I feel that I have a lot of unprocessed trauma that is preventing me from moving forward and I don’t know what to do.

I have written out things I would like to say to my psychologist about this and other issues but I’m worried I won’t really be heard. In the whole three years we have never touched on my childhood trauma. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? 

Has anyone been in a similar position where you were told to move forward but you still had a lot of trauma weighing you down?

Does anyone just have any thoughts or advice in general?

[PeppyPatti]

Hey @its-me 

I like your name.

Without any judgement - I think that our wonderful Psychologists / Psychotherapists do make mistakes. 

We can either jump up and down and scream or we can choose to reply 

" That's okay.  So glad you want to continue to work with me. You give me more good than bad." 

What do you think suits you in the reading of a diagnosis of BPD that fits you ? Do you resonate with a certain symptoms more than others ? 

Do you think that is something you would like to work on with your Psychologist ? 

I think your very brave writing in here. You remind me of what it's like to find a good Psychologist and stick with them. Iv been with my current psychotherapist for a long time but had some terrible ones before I met the right one. 

Although I haven't bpd I certainly know one and this person wouldn't do what you do. Although I urge you to make decisions that you think of yourself and your life, please know that you are so cool and groovy to be doing what you do. 

•  

About 10 years ago, on sane forums, i used the name @just another46yr because I liked feeling simple. Do you have that feeling having a name like that too ? 

[BPDSurvivor]

Yes @its-me  I can relate.

 Breaks are good. It sounds like your psych is being honest with you and didn’t want either to ‘waste’ any more time if things aren’t moving.

stopping therapy is like taking the walking stick away to give you a chance to stand in your own.

 This happened to me, except therapy never restarted. When therapy stops, you are made to flounder a bit in life. During this time, you fall, you cry, you get angry… but this is a chance to use the skills and strategies you have gone through in your psych sessions.

 It doesn’t mean your psych didn’t care. Its more that they know you are now strong enough not to be held or given a walking stick.

i can relate this to me working with kids. There comes a point where I tell the parents I’m no longer working with them and that they should have a break. This is because I see there is like movement and they’ve probably developed a very lax attitude. I ‘let them go’ for a year or so and then I reconnect if necessary. And yes, the kids do improve.

 I should also add, I have BPD so I know first hand what it can be like. It’s not comfortable to be let go, but it’s needed for growth.

 Good luck

[D1ng0]

Hey @its-me, I'll offer my thoughts for what they're worth.

If this psychologist isn’t focussing on your past trauma, but also isn’t focussing on re-traumatising experiences and current-day suffering, what is she working on with you? This is a genuine question.

Maybe you do need to start over with a different psychologist who is better able to tackle your past trauma while also allowing space for discussion of fresh trauma… But not because she says you need to see someone else. Rather, because someone else may genuinely help you more. If this psychologist can help you meet your goals, definitely keep seeing her, but that's probably a question you need to ask yourself. Are you attached to measurable positive outcomes which result from these appointments, or are you attached to her as a person? Becoming attached to a psychologist in that way can be harmful, if it means a person continues seeing someone who is not helping. (That’s my experience, anyway.)

I wish you luck, and I hope you can access appropriate support soon.

[Paladin67]

Hi its-me. Kool name.

I rarely comment but the circumstances you describe are important, as you are important. 

We put psychologists (therapists) in very powerful positions within our vulnerable inner universes and sometimes they shouldn't be there. In my experience, very few really understand childhood trauma and even fewer have worked on developing trauma informed practice.

You expressed that you have had significant childhood trauma but this professional has not guided you there in three years. That alone concerns me. You wrote that she informed you that she wanted to cease working with you, so she has clearly indicated she is not committed to supporting you on your journey. You describe her demanding that you show her that you are willing to move forward, but I believe you have to be the one to set the pace for your recovery journey. 

If you are going to journey back to childhood to address your early traumas and reclaim things left behind then you need to be sure of your guide. I have gone into very scary spaces inside, but that was only possible when I was confident that the person in the room with me had the capacity to hold that space for me, AND was committed to me and my recovery journey: especially when things got hard. I've had some really harmful experiences with psychologists who didn't adequately understand the needs of clients with significant early trauma (and couldn't admit it) but were also not fully  committed to supporting me on my recovery journey. 

I don't know your full circumstances, but what you've written concerns me. I believe you deserve better service. I encourage you to carefully consider what you need from a psychologist and go from there. Personally, I have learnt that if I can get an appointment within six weeks or so, then they aren't good enough for me. Really good psychologists are very hard to find and are in high demand. 

PS... Skills that I developed, with practiced, from DBT have saved my life (and my mind) several times. 

PPS... If what I've written doesn't resonate with you then ignore it. Trust your intuition.

Kindest regards, M

[Jasper_123]

Hi @its-me I can't speak for your therapists approach as I don't have all the information but I think it's pretty weird to have a client with BPD and not approach childhood. BPD is primarily formed through long term trauma prior to the brains full development and so from what I've seen is very affected by childhood and familial relationships!! 

I also do not like the approach your therapist used by ceasing treatment (ending it) and then re-engaging - when fear of abandonment is the hallmark of BPD it's an odd choice. 

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to treat yourself, well done! I would say that therapy and its direction should be guided by you - Can you bring up that you'd like to discuss this with your therapist?