My Mosaic

[Eve7]

Sorry you had to make those cancellations @Bow .

Im looking forward to my freshly made bed tonight…hasn’t happened yet but it will.

Your trip to the Blue Mountains has made me want to go again. It’s years since I’ve been there and it’s so lovely. We used to hike all over as teenagers.

[Bow]

How do I stop this cycle of shutting down and withdrawing from everyone?? When things are hard it’s all I know to do. And I am deep in it yet again. There is so much going on inside. And I feel way too much shame to even begin to think about telling people what is going on. And I think that’s perhaps where I think I start paddling backwards and away from people. It’s just way too hard to talk about. And on the occasions that I do talk about stuff it’s rarely received well…, or it’s just been so very unhelpful. 

My SW paid a visit today. She had been away for 2 weeks (remember how she told me the day before that she was going on leave for 2 weeks?!). Monday she called and left messages, was just too hard to respond. It’s like this freeze thing. And then she later messages me and tells me my old SW was leaving… welp… cue big emotions and not coping and shutting down even more. So today cause I hadn’t responded she dropped by. I seen her pull in the drive way and she called me so I answered. She starts talking, like lots of questions about how I’ve been etc. and after like 5mins I asked if she wanted to come in. She did and then it’s like nothing. Just totally casual talk. Like what the??? 

im frustrated. I’m tired. It must just be me cause it’s always happening. I’m just so stupid. I’m too pathetic to communicate with people. Should just discharge myself from everything and run away. Become a hermit. Pathetic human being. 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Bow, 

I can hear just how overwhelming things are feeling right now. It's so hard when we need support, but feel like it isn't fully available to us... it makes sense why you would go straight to a shut-down response. It seems like people leaving is really, really vulnerable for you (and understandably so). I think your body is just trying to protect you in these moments. 💛

Regarding the casual talk, I wonder if she was trying to keep things light? Perhaps she could sense where you were at and wanted to tread carefully? 

Also, you are not pathetic at all, you're managing a lot right now. Shame is a heavy experience; I know it well... I also know that shame shared in safe spaces can be so healing. What would it be like to explore a bit of what you are feeling with us tonight? 🥰

[Bow]

Hi @AuntGlow 

I have supports, some say I am lucky. But it mostly all feels inaccessible to me. Which that statement in itself brings shame flooding in. I should just be grateful that I have the support that I do and make it work. 
And yes, I greatly struggle when people leave. It has been a significant theme in my life the last few years and it really affects me. It then makes trusting and building rapport with supports extremely difficult cause when are they going to leave???

casual talk…. I don’t know? 🤷🏼‍♀️ it happens a lot. I think I need to lock my cat away when she comes… cause I feel like he is a distraction and she always ends up talking about her cats. I don’t know. I just walk away from her visits feeling frustrated cause I’m not sure what the purpose of the visit was when she knows that I am really not ok

a lot of the shame is related to what I have shared. Shutting down and withdrawing. Feeling like a waste of time and space. 
And then a whole lot of stuff relating to my eating disorder. My body is disgusting. It’s changed a lot and I am so ashamed of it. I hide from people and if I can’t hide from people I try to hide my body as much as I can. And all the things I do to my body to try and change it. 

[AuntGlow]

Are you able to describe exactly what feels inaccessible for you? This may help us to get specific about what needs a little extra love! @Bow 

Or, do you think it all comes back to your latter statement around fearing people leaving and therefore finding it hard to fully lean on someone for support? This would make a lot of sense to me... 💛

I think it would be so helpful if you could write that down to share with your support worker, so she knows you are needing your visits to be more intentional. What do you think?

I am with you, thank you so much for sharing this with me. Know that I am sitting with it and I think this is an experience many people could relate to in some way. 

What do you think would happen if you allowed yourself to be ever so slightly more compassionate towards yourself here? What does your mind say?

[Bow]

Fear of them leaving is most definitely a big part of it @AuntGlow  and being able to communicate in a way that is easier for me is also a huge part of it. I find speaking words so difficult a lot of the time. I freeze up and nothing comes out. Words are just hard. Sometimes I don’t have the answers and I feel stupid cause I should have the answers. I just don’t know the words. Or sometimes it’s just too loud and fast and noisy inside that I can not focus enough to figure it out. 

see? I’m stupid. 

sometimes my SW will come visit, or I’ll see her in the office or something and she won’t actually ask how I am. Which is really what I need her to actually ask. 

My mind does not allow that at all. Sorry

[tyme]

Hey @Bow , I was popping past and just came to say hello. 

[Bow]

Hi @tyme 

[tyme]

How have things been for you during the school holidays with D at home @Bow ?

[AuntGlow]

I get the sense that both of these things may have the same root cause @Bow, and because they sound trauma-related, we need to bring in so, so much nurturing and patience for this part of you - little Bow deserves it. ❤️

My brain does a very similar thing, so please know that you are not alone. Do you find words and clarity come easier when you're more grounded?
I think you absolutely deserve to be asked how you are by your support worker. 

And that's okay, it's a really tricky thing for our brains to allow in... it takes time and practice. I want to work on this too, so maybe we can try it together? ☺️