Lived Experience Forum

[Eve7]

i wear it a lot too @Bow and usually on Saturdays I go for a run with friends before breakfast but I was too tired today so wore a skirt and make up!!

The breakfast next month is a church "do" and it's a bit more formal so I am madly trying to lose weight and figure out what to wear. Some ladies have posted pics of very fancy dresses they plan to wear so I feel a bit pressured to go looking similar...I know it's stupid to feel this way but I will blend in nicely with them all without going overboard if you know what I mean.

I owe it to my family to make today better than the last couple of days and not cause them any more worry but I fear they will see through my fake demeanour.

I am glad you have done some nice things for yourself today...well done 💛

[Bow]

When I seen my psychologist this week, we briefly touched on my inability to speak at times. I will have something to say, but I can not get the words out. It has affected me in varying degrees for a very long time, I fear saying the wrong thing, I fear the words coming out wrong. 

I did some journaling today and wrote the following....

at birth I was given a voice, it allowed me to cry and to tell when something was wrong. It told my mother when I needed something, it allowed me to talk, to sing and to express myself. 

but then it was taken away. I was told that if I told anyone, I would get hurt more. I was told that if I spoke up the pain would be made worse and I would regret ever having spoken.

from that day on my voice didn't exist. I was mute but for a few words. Very little laughter came from my mouth, no screams or cries. The words were inward, stories never to be told. 

for many years this has how it has been. More things happened, but my voice had been stolen, not able to speak of the wrong, not able to speak of the pain that exists deep inside. 

💔

[Bow]

My ED is winning big time today. I don't feel ok 😩

[Emelia8]

Sorry to hear that @Bow . Please just do what you need to do in order to keep yourself safe. 💝

[Sphinxly]

Hey @Bow. Sorry it has been a hard day. I hope you've reached out for support off the forums too.

Here with you,

Sphinxly

[Shaz51]

Ohh sending you lots of tender hugs my friend @Bow , and sitting with you  xx 

[Bow]

Thanks @Emelia8 @Shaz51 @Sphinxly 

I reached out to the butterfly foundation again today, but as soon as I tell them how long it's been since I've eaten and they ask about what physical symptoms I am having they tell me I need medical attention. Which I just can't do. Don't deserve it. Don't need it. 

[Anastasia]

Dear @Bow 

Your mind is being very cruel to you right now it would seem... You deserve support, and compassion, and kindness, even if your mind is telling you that you don't.

Please seek medical assistance if you need it sweetheart 🙏

[Sphinxly]

@Bow It sounds like they are concerned for your physical health. I can understand why you feel you don't need it...EDs are so vicious that way. That internal battle sounds harsh.

I wonder, what's a small compassionate act you can do for yourself tonight? I genuinely believe you deserve that, Bow.

[Bow]

Just crawled into bed with a warm chai. I don't know if I can drink though.