Dear @Flame7au
A warm welcome to the forum!
What you describe reminds me of what I was like at work. A dose of salts or a doormat! Both very painful in their own ways. I have continued learning about a middle way in the 18 years since I left work (to have my kids). Neither of those options is helpful - to you or the other person. This is because no one learns much (if anything) and the "problems" are not resolved - they are hand-balled. Current situation is you end up "wearing" it all, before the other person did (and then you probably felt horrible afterwards).
Role play might be helpful as @Outlanderali suggested. This will probably feel weird to start with but can be very helpful in identifying what goes on for you internally during conflict situations.
A few thoughts which I hope are some help:
1. If someone has a concern or issue with your behaviour it doesn't mean you are a) a bad person, b) at "fault", c) have to change (though you might, upon reflection, choose to).
2. When someone has a concern I recommend just really listening to them (this is very hard work BTW). Hear them out. This can be quite painful. Afterwards you can respond as you think is appropriate - so maybe by saying you are sorry if you've inadvertently upset them, or you can say something like "look I really need to think about what you've said, and I'll get back to you". Then you have some space without "wearing" it. If at all possible think about it away from work, or where you've got some head-space. It is important to get back to them at some, timely, stage.
Most human interactions which go "wrong" have some of each participant's "stuff" in them. So when things don't go so well it is a learning opportunity for everyone involved. Sadly not all people are interested in learning this - but that doesn't need to stop you from learning what you can from it.
I am not going to suggest for a minute this is easy, painless, etc. It's not. Sifting your stuff from other's "stuff" is a valuable life skill; which, if you choose to, you will continue learning for the rest of your life. The better you get at it the less difficult it will be. It's hard work.
I'd recommend that when you do "get back" to them that you try to leave all the personal stuff out (personal attacks make it very difficult to hear the honesty, you've probably noticed this in what others have said to you - that "what was that really about?" feeling). Focus on finding what the real issue is in what they've raised. It can be a bit needle in the haystack to find, which is why you need the space. You could try (as best you can after hearing them) to put yourself in their shoes and ask how does it look/feel from here? This will hopelully give you some insight so you can empathise with them even if you don't agree with them. Even if you don't refer to it directly, it will come across in your communication with them - as empathy.
If you are keen to find more on this (and I'm sorry I've rambled on, rather) you could try reading Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled. It took about 3 reads before I started to feel like I understood what he was on about, but I've found it to be a gift. I suggest you add a bit of self-compassion to the bits which feel "ouch!" internally. It would be my one criticism of him - he lacks a compassionate understanding of the traumatic r00ts of what he calls "disordered thinking". In spite of that I think he says much of value.
Hope for a more even keel endures...
Kindest regards,
Kristin
