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Something’s not right

M_P90
Contributor

"Self destructive"

This is a term I have had applied to me and some of my behaviour before. I've never identified with it. Van der kolk 's "in the body" book on trauma, I have identified with this. Living with an alarm system going off all day inside your body moves you towards whatever will dull it. If I was purely self destructive I would use uppers like amphetamines, but they heighten my alarm system- banging heart, sweating, can't sit still, SCARED. Self destructive assumes you'd do anything that's deemed destructive because it's destructive. The "destructive" behaviours I choose, if we could call this free will, are downers. Alcohol, even eat too much- you know that very drowsy feeling after a big meal, I want that. My system has always been amped up and scared, since I was a toddler and you know sometimes I don't want to feel like that. I'm trying to help myself in that moment to feel less pain. That's not self destructive, it's protective in the very short term (these things in excess damages your body over time, I understand that). That's why I feel like if you use the term "self destructive" with me, you don't get it and probably never will. You haven't felt desperate not to feel. 

 

All this lecturing is to say, I'm in a low low spot. I tried to be society's good little girl and give my passion, my mind t to a vocation.. I gave so much of myself to this job, and even I asked for such a little (going from 5 days to 4 days) I was put in this position I had to quit. I gave so much, asked so little. Felt I couldn't and didn't deserve to ask for things and then did, and was made to feel again that I'm not worth working with. They could always replace me. Wow, that hurts and I don't want to feel that. So I'm fighting between days of advocating for myself and fighting for care and for a place in the world. And days like this where I just want to drink and eat too much because I'm tired of fighting to be someone who matters. I could end my life, I have a plan and noone would stop me. And what would it matter? Jobs can replace me. Other days I would argue with this, today I just want to numb it. 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: "Self destructive"

Hi @M_P90, I'm so sorry to hear that things are overwhelming Heart I'm so glad you felt safe enough to be open and honest about how you're feeling. I understand what you're saying that downers help you to cope, and it is awful to be treated that way when you've given so much of yourself to that job. 

 

You deserve all the support in the world, so if it's ok I'll let you know about some other specialised services that might be helpful for you? Heart Counselling Online provides support related to alcohol, and they have their own peer support forums about coping and recovery. 

There is also Blue Knot for counselling support related to trauma, and the Suicide Callback Service for counselling support related to feeling suicidal. 

 

I'll also follow up by email as I'm concerned for your wellbeing. Take care as best you can 💐

Re: "Self destructive"

HiM-P90

Sorry you are feeling so bad. Whether you feel like it or not you are a beautiful person, valuable and special. Sometimes the people like us who are valuable that get treated badly by people who don't know any better. Hang in there because there is hope.

Glad you have reached out to this forum, from personal experience it has helped me a lot, and not to feel so alone in my mental health issues 

sending love encouragement and blessings, roses 🌹 

Re: "Self destructive"

Hi @M_P90 

 

Hope your well.  I'm sorry you feel like this.  I know how you feel.  It is so hard to work for someone or work under someone that doesnt appreciate you.  The constant am I good enough or why dont they like me is always there in your mind when your going through this.  I found that being true to yourself and believe your self worth helps.  I always keep telling myself "only you can make them hurt you, you can honour yourself and allow yourself to be you".  Human nature always run on a dominant heriechy.  And those in higher position always put others beneath them down so they can be on top all the time.

 

Allow yourself to be numb for 1 to 2 days and then open a notebook and write down your feelings, goals and how you are going to achieve them.  Look at what happened last time and write down what you think you can change.  Remember if you go down there is always space to go up again.  

 

Be kind to yourself and always be you.  You dont have to be mean to be in this world.  IF you start the kind mentality then there is one less mean person in the world.  It only takes one to change the world.

 

Be happy and lots of blessings. xxxx

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