Difficult Family Members

[PeterStrahm]

Hi, this is my first time posting on here so I'm a little shy.

Basically, I am disabled and bed bound. I need 27/7 care. I am having a difficult time right now with my family member. This has been an issue for years (around when I became unwell) but has been worse the last 13 months. 

Some of the problems I’ve experienced are that they talk disrespectfully about every member of the family to their face and behind their backs, they insult people instead of talking issues out maturely/calls people names, they scream and shout at the mildest inconvenience (including across the house or between different floors of the house), they expect everything to appeal to their wants constantly and must always have their way.

I could list specific instances but I'm not sure if that's appropriate for these forums. Does anyone know how to deal with these family members?

[Dimity]

Hello @PeterStrahm and welcome. I'm sorry your post hasn't been answered yet so I wanted to say hi even though I don't have any advice. Perhaps it depends on the age of the difficult person and your relationship to them.  Eg setting boundaries with an adolescent might look different to how you'd approach an older family member like a parent.

Your situation doesn't sound easy but I hope you can connect with others on the forums - there are some who are wheelchair bound and face other challenges you may come to meet.  But here on the forums we're all  open to people whatever their background or identity. 

Do you have any particular hobbies or interests?

[Ru-bee]

Hello @PeterStrahm 

Welcome to the forums, and good on you for taking the step in posting - I know it can be a bit daunting creating your first post.

This sounds like a really challenging situation with your family member. I'm wondering how you and the rest of the family respond when they behave this way?

I also noticed you mention that this behaviour has been getting worse more recently, is there anything that had happened around that time?

[PeterStrahm]

Hi, thank you for replying!

They’re my sibling but we’re both in our 20’s. They’re in their late 20’s and I’m in my early 20’s.

I am excited to connect with other people, even if it’s not related to my situation. It’s lovely to meet you all. 🙂

I really love the Saw movies, that’s my main interest right now. How about you?

[PeterStrahm]

My parents will either not respond, walk away or scream at them. I have non-epileptic seizures and they often say/do things that trigger them so I often end up having panic attacks or seizing from their behaviour. They always end up getting their way. I just spent 1.8K on them (I’m on a disability pension) because they weren’t happy with a room booked for them on a holiday they’re contributing nothing to.

My last two birthdays seemed to trigger these changes in behaviour, I’m not sure why. They tend to cause problems or find some way to cause drama when I have something important on, like uni assessments or medical appointments. For example, at least 5 uni assessments I’ve had this year were performed mid-panic attack because of them picking fights an hour or two before my assessments. Two of these were live oral assessments I had to complete while crying.

[Ru-bee]

I wonder if you might be able to have a kind of family meeting either with or without your brother to talk about how this is affecting you and talk about ways to move forward @PeterStrahm 

Do you think it would be helpful to talk to your brother directly and ask what's going on, maybe let them know that you've noticed that his outbursts seem to happen around certain times and see if he's able to have a discussion?

A resource that might be really helpful to talk to is Relationships Australia who provide support and guidance around having respectful relationships and also have lots of good info on their site

[PeterStrahm]

They're difficult to talk to. Confrontation makes them scream and shout. They attack people, call them slurs and other insults. I can barely stand being in a room with my whole family because it all dissolves into arguments. I might have a talk with my parents. We've talked a few times but I'm not sure they understand how badly my sibling is affecting them. 

My uncle suggested writing a letter to avoid them interrupting and screaming. But I tried that in the past and they sent me text messages insulting me until they guilt tripped me into apologizing. They think I have no right to coitize them because they consider themselves my carer, but they don't actually do anything to care for me. They say they write my appointments down in a planner, which is a form of caring for me, but I have my own electronic calendar where I manage my appointments myself. I don't even know where their planner is.

Relationships Australia looks like a good idea. I'm not sure which of their services would be best for me, but I'll bring it up to my psychologist or psychiatrist in the New Year and see what they think. It's difficult this time of year because most people are on holidays, including my sibling. 

[Ru-bee]

This time of year is very difficult for those reasons @PeterStrahm, particularly with difficult family situations. Apart from reaching out here, are there any other things that you're doing to support yourself through this period?

Please feel free to reach out to connect with others here as much as you need over Christmas period, the forums are here 24/7

Also just a little forums tip, when you're responding to someone you can tag them by pressing "@" which will bring up a drop down menu of suggested members to tag. When you click on the name you're after it will appear blue like this @Dimity 

[Dimity]

Hi @PeterStrahm 

I see you took your username from the Saw movies. I'm an older generation interested in books and gardening more than movies so learnt that from Google. Did you know there's a whole wiki for the Saw movies? https://sawfilms.fandom.com/wiki/Saw_Wiki

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are with your sibling, and it's complicated if they're nominated as your carer but don't actually do anything for you. Especially if they benefit financially.  Maybe that gives you some leverage in asking them to be more respectful. 

I moved out of home at 21 after problems with one sibling, and when I was back for a year a few years later after my first MH breakdown and diagnosis, things were very difficult with another sibling. 

Have you looked into independent supported living under an NDIS plan? It might not be your preference, and you'd need to be accepted, so it might not be an option for you. Perhaps it's something else  to discuss with your family when you have a family conference.

[PeterStrahm]

Hi, @Dimity!
I have seen the wiki! I've combed through it thoroughly on all my favorite characters. I saw the wiki before I saw the movies to gauge what the traps were like before I watched. I like books too! I used to do gardening when I was little and more mobile, but I love flowers!

They're not exactly my nominated carer; they just call themselves that and got their jobs on the basis that they have experience caring for me. I get Centrelink, but we applied to the NDIS a few times and have been knocked back. We submitted a new application a few months ago but haven't heard back. 

That sounds really tough. I can imagine it would've been hard to readjust. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

My family had a bit of a talk today. The person I posted about hugged me but has since been talking ill about our other family member again behind my back. I talked to my psychologist, and she suggested saying things like, "The issue has been resolved now" or "This is between you and [other family members] to sort out." But doing that hasn't worked. They just say it's not up to them; they're not the issue. Then proceed to continue what they were saying. 

Hi, @Ru-bee! Thanks for telling me about mentioning members 🙂 My psychologist and psychiatrist both know the situation and said I can call over the holidays if need to, but I feel guilty every time I contact them outside our appointments. I'm not sure where else to go. My psychologist got me to talk to my uncles about the situation, but it's difficult for them because I don't want to force them to choose sides. I have the number of crisis hotlines if I really need to call help. 

I have considered out of home care, but I'm struggling to find one for youths that cater to severe disabilities (preferably non-religious). My parents would be really upset if I left though.