I need advice, or someone who can tell me if Im doing enough as a husband

[Tryingtobenough]

Hi! I feel like my wife favors and loves her friends more than me, i feel left out whenever her friends starts to contact her and try to see her. She is so protective of her friends, i feel like im just a third wheel. Im training myself to just accept being a 3rd wheel. I also feel like for her im not doing enough for our marriage. Despite of me doing all the chores in our house, that is cooking, washing, you name it. Whenever i try to have a conversation about how im feeling she will go berserk and starts throwing things in the house, kicking walls, shouting extremely loud that the neighbours will definitely hear us. This berserk behaviour has been happening multiple times everytime we argue. When this happens i can guarantee you im the calm one, i dont shout and then i end up being the one saying sorry. She doesn't give me a chance to explain.  I feel like im being bullied also. I dont know maybe im being a martyr, or maybe this is my fate. I dnt know if im doing things right or wrong. For now we are okay again, I dont want to lose her. I dont want a marriage breakdown.

[Oaktree]

@Tryingtobenough 

It sounds like you are doing more than enough and being very reasonable. Try not to be jealous of her friends though. Those are totally different relationships to yours. Maybe you two might find couples counselling beneficial? Somewhere you could explain how you feel with an impartial mediator. She doesn't sound like she is being very reasonable or even listening to your points of view.

[Tryingtobenough]

her going berserk everytime i try to explain my side is really damaging to my mental health. She is like a hulk, i had to restrain her several times to keep her from hurting herself and me. Its like im not allowed to explain myself. I feel like she uses this kind of behaviour against me. 

[Appleblossom]

@Tryingtobenough 

Sorry she is out of control and overly reactive. Often woman do coercive control and DV. I wish it were more part of the DV conversation. I just know that I dealt with bully girls all my childhood. Swirly whirly girrrls going on about their friendships can be selfish and immature, unless they extend compassion a little. Men felt safer, although with some exceptions.  My life was weird.

Maybe, she cannot give what you would love to have... at the moment ... A fundamental approach I have is based on needs ... about what is enough.  Pull your weight doing what you feel would be fair in a share house with everyone doing what is necessary for smooth running of the household.  Clean up after yourself and do a bit.  Dishes for a meal, or the odd bit of cooking. Find balance in the financial realities, and keeping the home functional.  That is bottom level essentials.  The emotional stuff is icing on the cake.  

Find ways of guarding and protecting your heart, as you strengthen and hopefully she does.  Not really meaning to give advice from a place of successful marriage. Just a few pointers to simplify after maybe all the internet and hollywood hype we see and read. I did my best and had to leave and been single a long time. I'd love the organic ebb and flow of a good relationship, but getting used to the idea that it may not be in this lifetime. Find your ways of settling and being calm and ENUFF, and maybe schedule in time for YOUR R & R and friendships.  

On Marriage

Kahlil Gibran

1883 –

1931

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
      And he answered saying:
      You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
      You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
      Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
      But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
      And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

     Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
      Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
      Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
      Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
      Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of your be alone,
      Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

     Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
      For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
      And stand together yet not too near together:
      For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
      And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

[rav3n]

@Tryingtobenough i'm so sorry to hear how much her behaviours have been impacting you. you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness 💙

do you have anyone you can trust, that you can chat to about this? you absolutely deserve to feel heard. have you reached out to 1800RESPECT before? i'm also going to send a quick email now to send through some more resources and just check-in with how you're going 😊

[Tryingtobenough]

Thank you so much for the resources you have provided. I have friends but i dnt want to disturb them anymore because im sure they are also busy with their lives. I dont want to be a burden to them as well. 

[Tryingtobenough]

Thank you for your words. Im thinking of also decreasing my attachment to her or lessening my love to her. I dont know if that is possible, i hope it is. Maybe the less i love her the less painful it will be for me. It is a sad solution i know but for now thats all i can think of…