I think I'm broken?

[Hazard357]

So I'm dating this guy, he lovely, and so kind and understanding and is pretty much everything I ever hoped for in a partner, but I'm struggling. 

I have always struggled maintaining relationships, friends, family and romantic. I have a tendency to back away from everyone and become hyper independent. And since I started dating this guy, I've noticed it a lot more. Everything feels amazing and fine one second and then something happens and I feel like I need space from him and that it'll be easier if I was alone. I feel broken. I don't understand why, even when things are great, I get the uneasy feeling and want to run. I hate how it feels and I also hate knowing how confusing it must be for him. 

I am struggling to let him into my life, every time I try and freak. 

On Easter weekend for example, he went away with my family and me, he was the first boyfriend who has ever done that with my family. I ended up freaking out so bad, I was barley holding myself together and I drove home early. 

I feel frustrated with myself, why can't I just be normal? I hate that I'm so broken and messy.

I'm finding it so difficult to help myself and my habits. 

Does anyone understand or been through something similar? I really hope there's someone out there that understands me

[Jynx]

Hey @Hazard357 I can't directly relate to your experiences, but I have dated a number of people who would withdraw in similar ways. 

Have you ever heard of Attachment Theory? It's a psychology concept describing particular patterns of behaviour in significant relationships. I can try to summarise a bit if you want, or point you to some resources, but yeah I wanted to share because understanding attachment theory has helped me a LOT. Mainly in realising that I am not broken, just still holding onto patterns that protected me as a child, but now no longer serve me. 

It's okay to be struggling in your relationships - it does not mean you're broken. And you are definitely not alone in your experiences either 💜

[Hazard357]

Thank you,
I briefly heard about it but don't know much about attachment theory. I'd definitely be interested if you can point me in the right direction? I would appreciate anything to better understand

[Jynx]

Sure thing @Hazard357 - I am just about to log off for the evening, so I will stop by again tomorrow arvo and can chat a little about it, and I'll rustle up some of my fav podcasts and stuff on it 😊

Oh and little tip - if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, then it will show up in blue like your name above. 

Hope you have a chill evening 💜

[Jynx]

@Hazard357 Hi! 👋 How has your day been?

I have collected some stuff on attachment theory!! 

Overview from Psychology Today

Understanding Preoccupied/Anxious Attachment

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Quiz!

I am also a big fan of the Nested Model of Attachment explored by Jessica Fern in Polysecure (I am not monogamous lol but I still think monogamous people can benefit from this book SO MUCH cos it's chock full of examples about attachment styles and how they interact) - funnily enough I just found the audiobook on youtube!

Hope this helps you get started on your journey, and of course if you wanna discuss anything or ask questions related to your own experiences feel free to tag me 😊

[MJG017]

Hi @Hazard357

I was just going to suggest what @Jynx suggested, looking up attachment theory or insecure attachment.  It explained so much about me and why I do and feel the way i do.  Once I understood, I could start to work on it.

I have a similar problem with my partner.  I've found by talking about it and explaining it to them (which isn't easy to do or explain) it reduces the anxiety a lot because they are aware of my issues and I don't feel this constant struggle to try and hide it... which never ends well.  You don't have to explain everything, even just saying briefly what the difficulties are and that you can talk about it later when you feel ready because it's really difficult to even bring up.  It's often easier to do these things slowly and with baby steps.  The last thing you want to do is overwhelm yourself further.

And no, you're not broken.  This is far more common than you'd think.  It's not a failure or weakness either.  It's usually just the result of possible trauma or even just growing up without feeling like you had any strong emotional support.  There's many reasons.  So the first step is always to try to be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone in this.

[Jynx]

Beautifully put @MJG017 and I will add, that in that first overview link I sent it denotes that 60% of adults are securely attached, with about 20% each making up the other two types (oversimplification cos of the fourth attachment style, fearful avoidant, but it is kinda like combo-type and a bit rarer - e.g. my partner has it, and it results in them responding to my preoccupied style with avoidant behaviours, and their other partner's avoidant style with preoccupied behaviours... it gets so confusing sometimes 😅).

Point being @Hazard357 that not only are you not broken, but your experiences are common enough to be pretty well understood - so I have no doubt you will find your way through this!

 💪😎😋💜

[MJG017]

@Jynx 

You know i never like to do things the easy way.  I've taken a few of those online tests.  And they all come up as fearful avoidant for me.  Although i've seen it referred to as disorganized as well.

If nothing else @Hazard357, you'll find people here who understand and are happy to support you as best we can.  I only found this all out about the middle of last year.  I was 53 years old at the time, and it's helped me so much since then to improve. It's still difficult but it gets easier.

[Hazard357]

Thank you @Jynx and @MJG017

This makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone or crazy. I'll listened to that podcast and have a read of everything, from what I've read already, it makes a lot of sense.

Thank you 

[Jynx]

@Hazard357 You are welcome, all the best on your journey! 🤞💜