Last chance to fix my rage

[ObscurityAddict]

I've just received a, completely fair, ultimatum from my partner. We are generally really good at talking about issues kindly and respectfully but once a year or so, I explode into a shocking, horrible rage, where I'm a different person.

I wasn't happy about how she was dealing with my recent news of my father's terminal illness but instead of communicating my needs, which she is always receptive to, I was monstrous. I called her cold, dismissive, crticised her for not meeting needs that I myself failed to communicate.

Quite fairly, when I look up belittling and disrespectful behaviours like this, there's plenty on how to avoid and deal with being treated this way, but nothing on how to make sure it never happens again.  Am I doomed to be this perfectly ok person only to become an unforgivable monster at these regular intervals?

I love her and want to dig as deep as possible to mend the relationship but I can't find much info on what this looks like and I feel lost.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @ObscurityAddict and welcome to the forums

It sounds like you've been quite shaken by this ultimatum, even though you can understand why it has been brought forward. It sounds like something does need to change, not only for your partner's sake but for yours as well. I can't imagine it feels good to have periods where you don't feel like yourself. 

I wonder if you've considered talking to a therapist about it? While I hear that this is only occurring about once a year, it sounds like it is having a significant impact on your life. Speaking to a professional can be helpful because they can start to delve into the underlying reasons why this rage surfaces, as well as giving you some practical ways to manage or share your emotions. If you're wanting to dig deep, this might be a really effective option for you

[BPDSurvivor]

Reminds me of my BPD rage. My rage was unreasonable in the light of the incidents. For example, if someone looked at me weird, I’d snap at them terribly. I’d be out of control. And yes, I’d regret to later. 

There are many many other incidents, including those in public places. 

I was recommended to attend anger management, but never did. Instead, I had treatment for my BPD and this rage is now quite rare.

nowadays, I get angry but I’m not out of control. 

do you have a therapist you can work with?

[BPDSurvivor]

• Hi @ObscurityAddict , the post above was for you. I forgot to tag you.