Lived Experience Forum

[kha]

I'm not in a good place right now...I keep looking at the lifeline webpage, yet can't bring myself to call - hopefully that just means I'm not at the lowest point yet?
My ex and I split at the start of Jan, I called it - I was unhappy and unsatisfied, I felt like I was in a relationship with an angry teenager. What should have been discussions almost always turned into aggression and anger. I was always surprised when she actually had a conversation without defensiveness or anger. She possessed a victim mentality, what I was saying was always challenged and I felt like she never 'heard' me. It was an emotionally manipulative relationship, I felt like I couldn't do anything right and she often used guilt to manipulate me. I kind of felt like she didn't truly understand her behaviour...this is where patience and kindness has not served me well.

She decided that she couldn't bear it if I wasn't in her life at least as a friend. I kept telling her that I couldn't be friends straight away and that we both needed time and space to heal, but yet again, this fell on deaf ears. I would still get messages or calls from her each day and I would get horrible accusing messages that I was ignoring her (no shit) but she just wouldn't leave me alone. To be fair, I did respond often because I wanted to keep it as painless as possible - we play the same sport where we have to see each other several times a week anyway, and we have a bunch of mutual friends.

Saturday night I'm at a mutual friends BBQ and she's not there as 'I won't go to the BBQ so you can go and have a good time with our friends' (Firstly, screw you. Secondly, I did not care if she came or not, I'm an adult and I can be in the same place as her. Thirdly, that was her choice, don't use guilt against me). I got a few messages from her that eve so I put my phone away. Sunday, once again I get an absolute barage of messages, things like 'heard you had a big night; hope you're not using alcohol to mask your feelings; saw that pic on facebook, I think she's into you, you should date her, I'd be OK with that'. Obviously I didn't respond. But the messages didn't stop 'why are you ignoring me?' I replied 'We've agreed for time and space', to which she replied 'Wow, that's harsh. You didn't even thank me for not coming to the BBQ'. Excuse me? I was so unsure with how to respond to these messages I took a screenshot to send to a friend for support...well, you can imagine the worst happened. I accidentally sent it to the group chat, which she happens to be on. I deleted it straight away but the damage was done. Next second, she rings and I can't not answer... I apologised for sending it to the group but not for wanting to send it to a friend for support. She can only see it from her side however, that she feels so disrespected and she never would have thought I could do such a thing to her - it's like she thought I did it on purpose. As she hung up on me, she yelled at me not to speak to her.

BUT we play for the same sporting club and obviously she can't just leave things alone. We cross paths and she says 'what, that's it?' as I say nothing 'not even an apology?!' Well that made me angry, I had already literally apologised 100 times but she still doesn't get it, and we had a loud, embarrassing argument. Later on, I'm sitting with a few people in the changerooms, she walks in on the phone having a loud phone call about some new person she's interested in/chatting to, making sure I hear it. She's punishing me and she will hold onto this tiny messaging incident as the basis of the whole relationship and why it ended and why I'm the asshole. I put so much patience and support into the relationship yet I got shitty return on investment. I feel so hurt and stupid. I want to cut this connection to her but we both play at an elite level, which is something I really want and have worked my ass off for. I just don't know what to do and I'm worried that I've been leaning on my friends too much. I feel at a loss...

[Queenie]

That really does sound like a messy break-up @kha. It sounds like you are really after some honest support right now to help you cope (am I right?). Never feel embarrassed or afraid of reaching out for help, after all, that's what support services are there for.

I must ask, do you feel safe within yourself? It is important if you are not safe to reach out to support services (such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue). 

I notice that this is your first post, so I'd like to extend a warm welcome to the boards. 

I hope your ex-partner can move forward appropriately from this break-up and that things between the two of you can become more amicable. 

[Former-Member]

Hello @kha

A very warm welcome to the forums from myself too 🙂

It is nice to meet you, it sounds like you have gone through a breakup which is hard in itself but on top of that you are a bit stuck in having to try to make things work so you can still be involved in what you love, your sporting.

That is certainly not easy, and it is understandably you are facing constant conflict with them due to perhaps jealousy and all the other difficult emotions that come up with going through a break up.

Like @Queenie said, it is important you keep reaching out for help, especially if you feel like you are being too much for your friends. Sometimes people pull away when they feel this, which can make things worse, so if there is another way of you talking to someone where you don't have to worry about them, as that is what they are there for, it is worth a try.

Helplines can be great for that, such as Mensline if you just want to talk about relationships and not crisis focused. But also the forum is good for that, so it is great you have joined.

There are some other threads with a focus on relationship break ups such as a great thread by @Tryinghardto called 'Depression and dealing with a relationship break up' you might like to read through it.

Look forward to getting to know you better,

Lunar

[Ellu]

Dear Kha,

It sounds as if you are going through an absolutely awful time trying to get through the breakup and it is wearing you down and down. If you go to your GP they can refer you to a psychologist to talk to. There is no stigma atached to this - all sorts of people go to psychologists for all sorts of reason, and I just feel it would be a good idea to talk over what you are going through and get some support from someone who cares. It is such a complex situation you definitely need to talk to someone to get through it.You will be surprised how liberating you will find it. 

In the meantime, if things get too much, ring Lifeline on 13 11 14. That is what they are there for, and you can talk to a trained counsellor for as long as you need to.

I do hope this mess can be cleared up, and you can get back your good spirits.

Ellu

[kha]

Thank you for all of your kind replies, I'm feeling much better about everything at the moment.

The next day was tough but it did make me realise once again how many beautiful people I have in my life. I had a friend reach out and also my coach called to see how I was and what we can do. Apparently breakups with this girl in particular has always been messy and she has a lot of trouble letting go. My coach was very supportive and it has lifted a big weight off my shoulders.

I've blocked any way she can get in touch with me for now and that has been almost cathartic. I went to see my psychologist this morning and basically ranted to her for an hour but also a nice reminder that not all these horrible feelings last forever and I can be a good problem solver / make good choices for myself.

Thank you for letting me feel my pain and acknowledging it, I know even typing it out that night really helped me let go of some of it. Such a beautiful online community

[utopia]

@kha
Why not block her calls. Block her on Facebook. You can always add her again in 6 months or a year when things settle down.
Yes you see each other at the sporting club. Just keep civil. Try and keep conversation on track with your sport etc. Otherwise ignore her immature attempts to rile you up or get you jealous.
That is her stuff to deal with. You don't need to anymore.
Hold your head high.