Hi all,
New to these forums so adding a trigger warning in case.
I'm really struggling with my mental health since becoming a mum. I have always had mental health issues. I even remember feeling anxiety as a kid but it was never noticed by my mum.
Background: I'm currently 40, single mum by choice to an amazing 2.5 yr old. But I've had a pretty shit life. My father was a narcissistic asshole who never really liked me. My mother left him before I was 2 and custody arrangements had me being with him every other weekend or so, which, as he didn't want me, meant spending time with his mother and step-dad. My Nana was also a narcissist who I really can't recall ever being nice to me. Her and my father were also violent. My Pa died when I was 13 but all my memories of him were nice.
Anyway, after many years of neglect and abuse from them, and just poor parenting from my mother (her mental health, not knowing what to do, broke, and a string of boyfriends before she met my step-dad), I've been left with quite a few psychological scars, which a psychologist has says is depression, anxiety and complex PTSD.
In adulthood, I lost my grandmother (on my mum's side, she was lovely) and my step-mum, who also left my father after my sister was born. My step mum was more like a best friend. I was a teenager when they got together and my sister was born when I was 18 so step mum is the best way to describe her, but we were definately more friends. My father also died a few years back too but I barely grieve his loss, it was more a relief.
Anyway, in my 20s I was married and tried to have a child but didn't work. My now ex-husband actually turned out to prefer men so that screwed me over and wasted 11 years if my life. After some crap relationships, I kinda gave up on men, so went down the road of an anonymous donor to have a kid before it was too late. I have been blessed with an amazing, beautiful and smart little boy. I am so grateful for him.
But, my own trauma is not helping me. It's making things bad. My mum and step-dad just about went bankrupt during covid, and as they were living overseas, brexit didn't help their businesses either, so they came home, and since then, to help us both, we have co-bought a house. The house is mostly seperated. We each have our own living, kitchen, bath, laundry and rooms.
Here is where there is a becoming an issue. Since having my son, I've discovered a few more mental health concerns. I believe I have OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorders - no compulsions as such so not OCD) as well as anger management issues. My mother and occasionally my son trigger a lot of them.
I'm already on anti-depressants and have been for many years. Have always shown signs of these issues but motherhood seems to have intensified them. Or living with my mother. Or both.
I have a friend who also thinks this could be ADHD but I don't have the money to be tested. Since joining households, I am worse off financially (higher mortgage than I had before but my fixed rate was about to finish anyway, and general cost of living).
I have had one really bad episode where I snapped and punched a window, breaking it. This was just last year. My son didn't see it but he saw the aftermath of broken glass. He says to me a lot now "don't get angry mummy", with today saying I broke glass. It was only 6 months ago but the fact he remembers this kills me. Like I have already ruined him. I wanted a better life for him but have already failed.
Mum and I get into fights so much. I was trying the 3 day potty training with my son while I'm off work and she knew this. I told her about it, not all the details but it's not hard to look up. Part of this is explaining to my son that he did a wee etc. when he does it and reminding him that next time we go sit on the potty. It's constant reminder for him on first day. He was going well til afternoon when I put the tv on. Well one show came up and he was glued to it and forgot and then didn't listen to me so I switched the tv off. He ran the grandma crying. To which she comes in and tells me I'm nagging him about the potty and to let him go play in the sandpit (umm not when he might wee in it, not very hiegenic so only in a nappy at the moment til he learns). So if course he heard this and that ruined all further efforts..he wanted in the sandpit. He wanted nappy on. She sometimes doesn't think before she offers him things. Like doesn't check with me first before speaking in front of him.
Then she gets to lecturing me on what to do and how to do it etc. I lost it. I got up, grabbed my keys and walked out the door. Yelling at her she do it if she thinks she's a better parent than me. She claims she doesn't realise it but this happens way too often. She oversteps and comes off as the better person coz she doesn't cry and doesn't yell at him. I mean I've never seen the woman cry in my life with the exception of her mum's funeral. Sometimes I think she's a stone cold bitch.
So all of this has therefore caused my mental health to suffer again. I wanted to punch something again. Heck, if I didn't have my son and no one but her to look after him, I would probably not be alive anymore. I know that if anything happens to him and he weren't to survive, don't think I would either coz I don't feel like I have much to live for.
And yet my mother comes and says to me she's useless and why does she bother sticking around. Like guilt trip me. When we are good, we are good, but she almost never says she loves me, and as mentioned above, she shows no emotions most of the time.
This all happened yesterday and she hasn't even checked to make sure I am ok. Ok yeah I haven't checked on her but she has my step-dad to check on. No to mention, she caused this. If it weren't for my kid, she wouldn't even know I was alive.
Anyway, I don't know what to do, I can't keep letting this happen over and over again as each time I get worse and closer to hurting myself.
I've tried talking to psychologists but I don't get anywhere. When I get over my funks I struggle to talk about them. And I can't explain what happens well enough, or remember the feelings enough to help.
