Hello. I am having some dark thoughts due to how isolated I am, and how rarely friends/family reach out and see whether I'm okay, let alone answer messages I've left asking how they're doing. I try to communicate and keep relationships alive, but it's not working. Nobody else is putting in the effort and I'm alone. My two closest friends seem to have disappeared. I get it, I know that other people have hard lives and their own priorities, but no matter how understanding I am, that doesn't make the isolation easier. I try to be super empathetic, as I don't want to be selfish, but it's not helping now. Losing my faith in people is a big red flag. That means I'm headed down a dangerous road.
I've talked about my story a bunch of times on the forums, but here's some of what I'm dealing with: Depression, anxiety, chronic pain, insomnia (plus nightmares, night terrors, et cetera), alcohol use disorder (I have been sober for over 2 years), bulimia nervosa (very recently diagnosed), trauma, and online harassment (talked about that in this SANE post). There is also other stuff that's too personal to discuss, but I hope that's enough info.
TW: Suicidal thoughts, mentions of unsupportive family members, mentions of the online abuse which included suicide-baiting.
These thoughts often happen when I'm lying awake at night, trying to go to sleep. I realise how completely alone I am, and start to wonder whether anyone would notice if I disappeared. I know that people would notice eventually, but as time keeps passing without anyone reaching out, I can't help but feel abandoned. It's a fact that nobody would notice for quite a while. That's not catastrophizing, it's literally true.
Even when people do reach out to me, it's often unhelpful. After I received online abuse saying that I deserve to die (among other things), I tried to tell a family member what happened, and this person just said, "you need to move on and get over it". Recently, I tried to tell the same family member that I am extremely depressed and not doing okay, and they literally said, "but you are okay, right?" I answered that no, I'm not okay. And then, the response was, "you'll be okay". Thanks... that's very helpful. I'm sure it'll magically happen just because you say it.
In the past, when I have had suicidal thoughts, they have been very urgent and emotional, and they only happened when I was extremely upset, so the solution was really simple; avoid becoming extremely upset, and the suicidal thoughts won't happen. I dealt with those thoughts successfully back then. But the suicidal thoughts I'm experiencing right now are calm, almost logical. I feel much more depressed than I've ever been, and the suicidal thoughts feel like a natural conclusion which my brain arrives at. I've never been this numb before. The suicidal thoughts feel as commonplace as thoughts about housework. How do I possibly combat that when I am always depressed, and experiencing wild mood swings?
Earlier on in my chronic pain journey, after being misdiagnosed several times, I experienced suicidal thoughts because suicide seemed like the only way to escape the physical sensations, and nobody (doctors, nurses, physiotherapists) was helping me. In fact, they were hurting me. Those specific suicidal thoughts have eased off since I've been diagnosed with nerve sensitisation and found practitioners who listen, but since I am in pain every single day and the road to recovery is very long, this feeling still occurs. So, there are multiple distinct things causing suicidal thoughts.
I am safe for now, but these thoughts are scaring me, and they're happening more and more frequently.
I have a psychologist, but I can't see them nearly enough, and they're not a crisis service. I have called mental health helplines in the past and it's rarely helpful. (Last time I was on hold for 1 hour.) I'm not sure what I need. Maybe some solidarity, if you folks have struggled with thoughts similar to mine. Or just some kind words. If you have any advice, I'd be grateful, even if it turns out not to apply in my circumstances. Just the gesture would help me believe I'm not alone. Thank you in advance, and I hope you're doing okay.
Thank you for sharing such difficult feelings with us here. Sounds like things are difficult for you right now. I am sorry to hear about your experience with mental health helplines, sometimes they can get really busy.
I am wondering if coming over to the forums and reading other people's messages of support can be comforting for you, when the suicidal thoughts arises.
You are never alone, someone here will always be with you.
Morning @Friendlyflutter, yes, that's why I've made this post. I am currently having these thoughts (though I think I'm safe for now) and am looking to feel better by getting messages of support.
Hey @Appleblossom thanks for replying. It definitely is hard. I'm glad to have some support here, especially because I'm feeling worse since this morning.
May I firstly just say that I appreciate your ability to put together this post describing how you are feeling, what you are currently dealing with and at the same time, mention what you are looking for in a response.
Your transparency is admirable and I can recognise that you do truly want support, but it is not always so accessible.
I can relate to your experiences and feelings around a lack of social/close supports, such as friends and family and can empathise with your thoughts of SI. Myself, including many of the other members and Peer Support Workers on the forums are glad you are using our forums to connect, as I know that feeling when you think you can't turn anywhere and everything feels ultra hopeless - like, you do have some very helpful strategies in your toolkit!
I know you mentioned the hold on helplines, and it made me think of this website I like called 7 cups - https://www.7cups.com/ It is a free service where they have listeners who can provide emotional support and usually you don't have to wait 1 or 10 hours to have a chat with someone 😛 ... I'd recommend giving it a go when you have the capacity/interest, see if it's your cup of tea.. haha.. see what I did there? >.<
Hang in there @D1ng0 - you got this, and you are most definitely not alone. We are all with you ❤️
Hey @PizzaMondo thanks for the support, I really appreciate it.
I think part of the issue with my family is that they actually can relate to what I'm going through, so they don't want to confront it. There is a history of mental illness, eating disorders, and even suicide in my family. I feel like they're not willing to believe I'm seriously unwell, because that's too scary to think about. Which leaves me to deal with all of this stuff on my own. The empathy's there but is not being expressed to me, if that makes sense.
Thank you for the recommendation of 7 Cups. I have read some worrying reviews of it, so I'm a bit hesitant. I'll keep it in mind, though. And regardless, thank you again for making me feel less alone. I'm grateful for these forums.
That makes absolute sense, the empathy is there but it is not being expressed to you... it makes me think immediately (cause I really get this feeling and experience it with my family too!!) that perhaps their inability to express any empathy is due to their lack of understanding and skills on HOW to - do you know what I mean? For eg. you are able to describe and communicate to me right now what is going on and have the ability to even recognise these patterns (history) of mental illness within your family, actively seeking support from professionals, online etc. Perhaps they do not know where to start on their mental health journeys, or there is shame and guilt or stigma attached to their understanding. I only say this because some members of my family see vulnerability as weakness, which is what I believed also for a looooonnnggg time until I went into therapy and I was like HEY BEING VULNERABLE IS COOL, and it's okay to feel these feelings (which I have a lot of too) and have needs and want to feel seen, heard and understood by my loved ones... but something I have also learned which has been difficult to digest is that I can't expect that someone can understand, listen and be there for me, if they can't for themselves in the first place.
I hope that made sense, sorry for the rant..
Ahh, I am sorry to learn you have read some worrying reviews - in your own time, I am glad the forums can be of use right now! I don't want you to go into a website/space that does not feel safe from the get go!
