My Mosaic

[tyme]

Are you okay @Bow ?

[Bow]

No im not @tyme 

[tyme]

I've just sent you an email @Bow .

[Bow]

I graduated from rehab on this day many years ago. Shame it doesn’t exist anymore. I’m worse now than when I went there

[Jynx]

@Bow still something worth celebrating imo! Yeah shame it doesn't exist, was it a particularly good program or something? 

Whether you're worse than before or not, I think that's less important than the fact that you're here, that you are surviving, which is itself an accomplishment.

[Bow]

@Jynx  It was a good program. Well I think it was. It obviously helped me a lot. 

im barely surviving. Just keep going down hill more and more. I have a pdoc appointment in the morning. I’m sick of them. I’ve been seeing him weekly for ages now. I’m frustrated that more isn’t changing. That meds aren’t working.

[Jynx]

@Bow hmm maybe there's other programs worth looking into? Perhaps after your ED group that is, one thing at a time ya know? 

Ach that sucks about your pdoc, sounds very frustrating to feel so stuck and still have to show up each week. How do you think they'd respond if you highlighted this frustration? 

[Bow]

Maybe @Jynx  but feel very limited by what I can do now. I couldn’t even go even if it still did exist. 

just feel like I’m wasting his time every week I go. I feel like a nuisance. And I’m waiting for him to put me in the too hard basket. Feel that way to everyone. My dietitian. My gp. My SW. my CM. Everyone. I’m just existing and I’m over it.

[Jynx]

@Bow Mm a tough feeling to sit with. Again, I feel it could be beneficial to express these concerns to him, so he knows more about where you're at and can potentially work towards changing things so that you feel less like the sessions are a waste of time.

[Bow]

Pdoc again this morning. He increased my meds again and added an additional dose. I now have meds 5x a day 😩 3 alarms set on my phone. 
I told him that I have lil moments of feeling okish. But no massive changes. He is still concerned about my chronic SI. 
He said he is willing to keep adjusting my meds to see if it helps but does believe ECT is going to be the thing that has the biggest impact and helps the most. 
I walked out disappointed. 
another appointment next week 😩

D has a sleepover attempt at her father’s tomorrow night. I’m anxious about that. Need to keep myself busy. 

Mum and I are going car shopping tomorrow. I sold my car during the week (that was a bit sad) and we have cleaned up my step dad’s car today to hopefully trade in. It’s a little exciting, but also heaps overwhelming and anxiety provoking.