Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

I don't really show my emotions to anyone. Maybe I might look sad infont of certain people, but I really don't like to show how I'm feeling. Neither of mine do Mum nor Dad. They just don't understand and don't seem to want to understand. I've offered a lot to help them, but they didn't take it. 

I feel you there. I don't know why some people are like that. 

He mentioned today that maybe I thought it was better not to show how I'm feeling because I didn't want to worry other people. I'm not 100% I think I'll go over it again next week. 

Yeah, 13 long, painful years. 

Omg, I'm so sorry that happened. Can I ask if he ever said anything nice to you (recently), and how much contact do you have with him?

What is SOB?

[ENKELI]

Definitely worth going over. 

Not wanting to worry other people makes sense. We tend to keep our feelings to ourselves so as not to worry others when it comes to MH issues I've noticed.

SOB - Son Of a B - rhymes with Witch. Apologies, I don't swear often but my dad has the capability to make me want to.

That's the worst part, the last 3 months we have had a great relationship, talking on the phone for a couple of hours at a time, I was planning on going over to be his full time carer and he would always end the conversation telling me he loved me to infinity etc. It's just been the last week. I've messaged him every day like normal but he wouldn't reply. He finally did after nearly a fortnight and he was in a low mood so I tried to lift his spirits. He'd never told me he no longer wanted me to be his carer and so I asked and that's when he replied with his doubts I would be capable of caring for him and that I need to work out why I'm such a failure. If he'd always been harsh it wouldn't have upset me so much but we'd been in such a good place for so long it was like a punch to the stomach.

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah, I will @ENKELI. 

Hahaha, I think you can swear on here. I don't either. I've said a few here and there. 

Oh, okay, that makes it hard. I was wondering if you could have a boundary with him simply that if he can't say something positive or at least constructive, he should not say anything at all. Like if he is struggling with his MH and tries to take it out on you can you have a boundary up for that so he doesn't? 

Do you see a psychologist at all?

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 I was seeing a psychologist but she knows my former best friend and when I made the statement that ex friend was an emotional and financial vampire she told me to find someone else because she "won't tolerate slander about someone she is friends with". I am going to see my GP for a MHP referral and hopefully find someone close by.

I have decided not to contact my father from now on. If he reaches out to me I will be polite and reply but I am not going to have anything else to do with him. 

What are you up to tomorrow? I am hoping to rearrange my lounge room 🙂

[Birdofparadise8]

Wow, they are friends? Isn't that like professional bouries being ignored? Has she known you two are friends? I'm surprised she didn't refer you to someone else when she knew. 

Still that's not very good she said that if you both were friend or a therapeutic relationship. 

That's good to hear. I hope you can find someone more suitable. 

Okay, I'm sorry things have developed like that. It must be hard knowing the relationship will be different. 

I'm going to the gym, and I'm unsure what else to do today. I'll see what I feel like when I return and have lunch @ENKELI. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @Blackbird11 @tyme @outlander @ENKELI @Shaz51 @creative_writer @Bow @Kyle1 @Snowie 

How is everyone today?

[Snowie]

Hi @Birdofparadise8 

Tired, just been distracting myself on here.

How are you? How has your day been?

[Birdofparadise8]

Didn't you sleep well @Snowie? 

I've been to the gym, done some uno work, went and tried a panini that opened up, and, omg it was so good. I went and got a couple more art things, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm scrolling on Tiktok on my phone. I might do some painting. 

[Snowie]

I'm ok at getting to sleep @Birdofparadise8 it's just the staying asleep that is the problem.

Sounds like you have been busy today. Glad the panini was good!

Painting sounds like a good activity. What do you like to paint?

[Birdofparadise8]

Ah yeah I understand that @Snowie 

I don't think I would sleep well if I didn't take my meds, lol. 

I'm not really busy; it's just steady to keep me going. If I sit still for too long, I might get upset. 

I did get a bit upset earlier today. I was walking to the gym thinking about the conversation I had with my mum last night and how she would go get all the food and said she just wanted to prep and cook it all. The family would pay for the food. I was thinking about it, and oh, what if I tell Granny she wouldn't let Mum do all the prep, and she can tell her not to be so silly. Then I realised, and it made me sad. 

It's an impasto painting of Flower's if you look at the link that's the idea I'm going for not sure if it will look like that, but I'll try.