Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

It's okay @ENKELI 

I'm always sad at night. It's awful. I thik from talking to people they say because your less busy at night so there is more time for rumination and stuff. 

Hahaha, my mum is 57 this year @ENKELI 

I know you say that, but just like the past year in Melbourne, most nights I would be sad and stuff. 

I just wish I had an answer to why I'm sad. I sit here crying and thinking how I'm a bad person and don't deserve anything. Lie why does my brain have to hate me so much. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 okay so your mums' a little bit older than me!! 

If we knew why our brains hate us we'd have the answer to depression I reckon. What you said about it being quiet so more time to think is true, when our brains are active we don't have time to think the bad thoughts.

When we are alone or lonely that's when our brains tell us we are useless, we're nothing and we overthink those thoughts and wish that it would all be different.

I usually have the radio on, or Foxtel on my laptop when I go to bed. It stops me from overthinking which I do as well when in those quiet moments. 

My ex friend once said to me "you're good at giving advice, why don't you listen to it?" and that's because to me I'm different. The suggestions don't apply to me. They wouldn't work for me because I am such a bad person I deserve to be punished. The only good thing about being bipolar is the medication makes me sleep. Otherwise I don't really want to think where I'd be.

How are you getting along with your room mates? Any chance one of them might become a friend?

[Birdofparadise8]

How old are you @ENKELI? 

Yeah, they are alright. I've talked about my medication issues with my mood stabiliser, so I did tell one I have depression, but I don't know if the other heard or not. 

Neither said much when I did talk about it. 

You don't deserve to be punished @ENKELI. You're very kind and compassionate. You've been very supportive. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 argh can I lie and say 35?! Lol I turned 55 in January. Now you know my secret, I'm ANCIENT!

I don't like being my age because I feel I've achieved nothing. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to have achieved by now but I still feel like the poor relation. I think I am still punishing myself for the last 8 years of providing support for my ex friend and the kids. I gave up so much and when you give up things like friends they aren't there when 8 years later you now are free to catch up with them. 

Most of my bad feelings are caused by that relationship - I wasn't good enough so I was ghosted, not worth anything because if you love someone you don't treat them that way. I was closer to this person than my own sister. 
I understand how you feel and how you cry for no reason because I've been doing the same thing since last April. Most days I can get through with just a few sad thoughts but weekends and birthdays, other public holidays are hard.

You deserve to be supported, we all do. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Hahahhaah yeah you can @ENKELI 

I'm sure you have achieved things. 

Wow very close. I'm sorry.

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 dang I missed your reply. Hope you're doing okay.

I know in my mind and when I am thinking logically I can feel good about my achievements, but when I am sad they mean nothing and I compare myself to my over-achieving cousins. I'm also the only female cousin who never got married or had kids and that really bites when I am in a depressive state. I feel like I've let my mum down because she would have been an awesome grandmother - she dotes on my cousins' kids.

Right now I am doing another diamond painting to try and think of other things. Tomorrow I want to do some banking - red velvet cake and my usual apple and cinnamon muffins. I cheated with the icing this time though and bought premade cream cheese icing for the red velvet.

It will also be the first time making the red velvet cake without my ex friend. It used to be something we did together so let's see how many tears I shed.

Another job I applied for has expired and I never heard back so again with looking for jobs. Tomorrow is a public holiday here so at least my brother will be around if I do break down making the red velvet.

I'll check in on you too if you'd like. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Don't worry about it @ENKELI 

I'm sure your mum isn't disappointed in you. It's okay if you don't have children. 

What type of diamond painting? Have you had dinner yet? Is it about 6 or 7 in Perth?

What's your apple and cinnamon muffin recipe?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure they will taste delicious. Just remember how amazing you are. 

I'd really appreciate it @ENKELI you don't know how much that means to me. I'm crying lol. 

[Birdofparadise8]

There is also evidence that children who are born preterm are more at risk of being bullied than full-term children. Bullying is a predictor for emotional problems in adolescents who were born preterm (Wolke, Baumann, Strauss, Johnson, & Marlow, 2015) and is widely understood to have a negative impact on the mental health and wellbeing of children (Headspace, n.d.; Robinson, 2020).

@ENKELI from the article you posted. 

This makes me sad. It's because of me.

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 

https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/24352/easy-apple-cinnamon-muffins/

I use tinned apples though, and chop them up. I also have cinnamon crumble from a friend whose family owns a couple of bakeries so I sprinkle that on just before they go in the oven. I think it's just cinnamon sugar really.

I told my mum I was sorry I had disappointed her in not having kids and she said she was sorry for me because she knew I wanted them. She has never made a comment or laid blame so I'm grateful for that. Sometimes she can be pretty brutal with her comments but I've learnt to mask my feelings so it doesn't make things worse.

Thanks for your kind words, you are a true sweetheart and an amazing asset to our crazy world.

It's just past 7 here, I'm not hungry so I will probably pass on dinner. Not a good idea but if I get hungry later I have lots of fruit in the fridge that I bought to try and curb my sweet cravings.

This is the diamond painting - I am doing easy ones at the moment while I sort myself out mentally. Once I am back on track I will tackle the more difficult larger ones. I also have to find a folder to put these in but it's difficult finding one that is 30cm x 30cm.
 

[Birdofparadise8]

I'm so she is brutal to you. That would be awful. 

Ah okay fair enough. 

I'll have a look once it's live @ENKELI