Not Coping

[creative_writer]

@Birdofparadise8 a bit low still but doing better. I think the weather isn’t helping with anyone’s tiredness, when I went to uni, everyone was so tired and burnt out, it’s been a full semester for us. Full time studies is a lot of work

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah, I feel you. I'm doing full-time as well. 

I look forward to next week being over. I'll have just a few more assignments and then the end of the semester exams. 

@creative_writer, what week did you say you were in?

Do you have the same people in all your classes? 

[ENKELI]

Our wonderful @creative_writer, how are you today?

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 yes depression certainly sucks the big one.

I received news from my cousin that my aunt - dad's sister - has gone home to spend her final days with her kids. I knew she had cancer but we were kind of optimistic that chemo would help. Unfortunately it has so I'm arranging to go and visit her. Mum always remained close to my dad's family after they divorced so it will be nice to have her with me.

It sounds bad but I'm glad for the distraction so I'm not stressing and getting anxious about ex-friend. 

My dad is still being a stubborn old man and not answering my emails so I'm trying to take deep breaths and remain calm and patient with him. 

My sweet girl, I'm sorry you're feeling flat. Anything I can do for you? Call up TS and ask her to come visit you for the weekend? Travis can stay home!

[creative_writer]

@Birdofparadise8, my semester was condensed, instead of 12 weeks we had 8. We finished all of those 8 weeks, but I have final assignments to write up which are all worth 60%. We don’t get much choice of electives in my degree, we only have one elective and the rest of the units are chosen for us.

@ENKELI drained but better than I was yesterday. Calling SANE in the morning helped. I think I was long overdue a call. I find it very hard to reach out for support until things feel too much, I withdraw from people to my own detriment. Maybe it’s my attachment style, I have the anxious-avoidant type, I crave relationships and try to suppress the need for them, I even had phases where I convinced myself I needed no-one and didn’t feel lonely but it’s not sustainable. Relationships scare me, you never know whether people will reject you, judge you, or exploit you. I don’t want to feel like I belong nowhere either so I rather be alone than feel lonely around people. I try to convince myself I’m better off alone so I can feel safe. It is still lonely.

I hope today is a brighter day for you💖

[Birdofparadise8]

Oh no I'm so sorry @ENKELI, that would be so hard. I'm pleased you will get to say goodbye to her though. I'm not making it about me, but I wish I had the opportunity to with Granny. ahh dam emotions. 

Has she had cancer for a long time? 

Yeah, that's true. Were you close to your aunt? 

That would be annoying, but I hope he will answer soon. 

To be honest, I just wish I could have a big hug and be able to cry, but I'll never get that. 

Talking is good @ENKELI, I really value being able to talk to you. You make me feel a lot less alone. 

I wish I wasn't going out with my friend now. I'm just trying to cry. I don't want to be a downer around him. Hahaha, I had TS on earlier. It was good. 

Oh, why did they do it like that for @creative_writer?

I'm sure you will do great. Yeah, that's like me. Most of my electives are chosen for me. I might get to choose between two different biochem classes, but I have to do one of them. Luckily, I like all the chemistry stuff. 

[creative_writer]

@Birdofparadise8 they did it to fit in placement. I wish we did have the option of doing more than one elective.

@ENKELI just saw the post about your aunt. Sorry to hear that things look so bleak, sending you lots of hugs 💖🫂💖🫂

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 sometimes a hug can make all the difference. That's what I miss too. My brother is good and will give me a hug if I need it but it's not the same as a hug from a good friend.

I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye to your granny. I had the same thing with my Nana on my dad's side.

The worst was my little brother. He called and left a voicemail and I accidentally deleted it. 3 days later he was gone in a motorbike accident. 

My cousin said every day he goes to see my aunt he says I love you just in case. 

Is your friend someone who gives hugs or would that be awkward?

[ENKELI]

@creative_writer thanks hon, much appreciated x

[Birdofparadise8]

Ah, right, okay, that makes sense, but does that mean you have to learn 12 weeks of content in 8 @creative_writer It's masters, though, right? It's not like your bachelor where you can pick and choose units. If I get in for my master's, I won't have any electives at all. 

Yeah, it wouldn't be the same @ENKELI, though I don't know what a hug from a brother is like. 

I was in the airport here in Melbourne waiting for my plane when she died. I didn't know until we got to the car. I was hoping to get back in time. I didn't, though. In my last real conversation with her, she said she loved me and always would. She knew she was dying. I spoke to her twice more, and one time, she thought I was going to see my cousin in Brisbane. The last time was on Monday when I told her I was coming down on Friday to see her and for her to hold on a bit longer. I just wanted to say goodbye. I hope I won't always be sad about that. It wasn't anyone's fault I couldn't say goodbye. I did go see her after, anyway. I don't even know why this is making me cry now. Oh no, that would have been awful. That's fair enough. You can never say too much in that circumstance. We give each other a brief hug, but that's about it. Can we change from this topic, @ENKELI I know it's self-inflicted on my part. Sorry, I'm waffling on now.