Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah, it's a bit rough what she is going through @ENKELI 

Yes I think he is trying to find reason why other than the bullying. 

I don't speak with her until the 11th she is off next week. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 bummer, having to wait until the 11th.

If the bullying in the book gets too much you know to put it down. Or maybe skip past that part and read the spicy bits lol!

I'm not sure I understand why there has to be another reason other than the bullying for the way you feel. It is a behaviour that you endured for 13 years and it went unchecked. For me it's like asking someone who was held captive for many years if the reason they have trauma is because they were born early.

Remember, this is just my opinion though and your psych has had more training than me.

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah, I've left it for now. 

I know. I don't know why he thinks that as well.

I don't understand either. The only bit I got was when he said when a baby isn't comforted that can be stored as pain or abandonment. He wondered if it could be that. He then asked if I liked going to school at 4 - 6 I wasn't sure but he thought I wouldn't have. Anyway I asked my mum and she said I couldn't leave quick enough. 

So I'll let him know next week.

I also think he is trying to understand more be cause he was pushing me so much with being in the moment with my emotions and to challenge me to feel them when we have now worked out it's like they are blocked and i shut down. 

@ENKELI 

I hope next week I can get clarification on this premature stuff and then go into more pressing things like the sadness, abandonment, rejection and my core beliefs about myself and how I feel really bad and a lot of other things. 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 I understand the not being held part, my ex fiancé was adopted - his biological mother abandoned him at the hospital and he was adopted at 6 weeks. He went to see a psych once and the psych said the same thing, about not being held as a new born. He wasn't prem though and he didn't suffer from any MH problems. I don't even remember the reason why he wanted to see a psych but he only went the once and he's had a "normal" life.

I'm reading an article on preterm children and mental health and honestly I am having a chuckle because the symptoms this article claims are the same symptoms I saw in my Godson and he was overdue by almost a week. He would have been the poster child for premature babies, (shy, anxious, wet the bed until he was around 7, separation anxiety) except he was overdue. 

In fact having a think over my friends and family, those who have MH or other health issues were all born full term.

If it were me I would say that I don't believe my being born premature has anything to do with how I feel, it is what has happened as I grew up that has caused the trauma. Again, don't take my word as gospel, you're a very smart gal and you'll know what to say.

Is there any history of MH issues in your family that you know of?

[Birdofparadise8]

Can you post the link for the article? 

My grandmother got postnatal depression after her youngest son, which lasted until she died last year. 

A few cousins have anxiety. 

That's about it, from what I know. Not everyone would be open about it. 

My psych said there is research to support it being traumatic or something. 

@ENKELI 

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 here is the link -

https://emergingminds.com.au/resources/preterm-children-and-mental-health/#:~:text=Children%20born%2....

So there is a history of MH issues in your family, which makes you predisposed. For example, there is no history of mental illness on my mums' side of the family. On my dads' side his mother had dementia, he has depression and PTSD, his sister has had mental health problems as well. My Dr and psychiatrist both told me that my depression is likely inherited. The bipolar 2 we're not so sure about.

Has your psych considered that it may be inherited because you were vulnerable? 

[Birdofparadise8]

Ah okay interesting @ENKELI 

Yeah maybe, but I still think be bulled for 13 years would do it. 

Say a baby was full term and had no family history of MH issues. I would say they would get depressed as well. Don't you think?

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 exactly! 

That is why there are different variations of depression! Clinical depression and situational depression. Clinical is inherited. For me, there was no reason for me to be feeling sad all the time. I'd just come back from a 3 month trip to North America, I was in a job I enjoyed and earning plenty of money. I'd bought my house and owned my car, had a group of friends I loved and was close to my family. But I was miserable. I would go to my doctor and burst in to tears but couldn't explain why. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and then about 10 years later, bipolar 2.

I became friends with someone who had situational depression - like you she'd had a tough time at school, was picked on by her siblings and then teased at high school. I met her as an adult and we got to know each other through our depression. Two different types of the same illness but it doesn't make one worse than the other. 

You don't go through years of trauma and not be affected. I can understand the reason the psych would be going the premature route but it's not something to dwell on.

(Let me know if I am rambling and not making sense, I do tend to talk a lot when it's a subject I'm passionate about)

My hope is that you will find the right treatment to make you feel good about yourself and your life, so that you can enjoy more than just the snippets of time in a day. 😍🙏

[Birdofparadise8]

I'd never really thought about it like that @ENKELI 

You're all good. 

Yes lets hope so. I've seen him since September. I'm not sure where we are going.

I know you say situational, but like right now. I'm crying and I don't know why.

[ENKELI]

@Birdofparadise8 okay, situational simply means that situations that you have been in have caused you to be depressed, and have caused your symptoms. It doesn't mean you only get depressed when the situation is bad. I didn't explain that very well did I?!

The only difference between clinical and situational is the reason behind your depression honey. You are living with depression and a severe case at that. You mentioned that you usually feel depressed around this time. For me I used to get depressed on Sunday evening when I was at my last job because I knew I had to got back to the shit hole the next day. There may be a reason you feel so miserable but you haven't uncovered the reason yet. 

Knowing you are depressed doesn't heal us. Like any illness, it takes time to get better. And as you probably know depression is one illness that you will live with for probably the rest of your life.

Being old enough to be your mum (lol!) I have the advantage of age, having gone through the trials of different medications, hospital visits, psychs and doctors etc so I can tell you it does get better. It doesn't feel like it for you right now but you will learn how to cope, what triggers you and what to avoid. 

"That which does not k*ll us makes us stronger" - Friedrich Nietzsche